13 februari 2024

The Roundabout Route – navigating stressful situations

WHEN FACED WITH TENSE ENCOUNTERS WE OFTEN REACT FROM PAST EMOTIONS. AFTERWARDS, WE WISH WE WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY, SAID BETTER WORDS, BEEN MORE ASSERTIVE. TAKING THE ROUNDABOUT ROUTE GRANTS US AN ALTERNATIVE TO RESPOND APPROPRIATELY.

Conflicts, hospitals, bosses… When facing a challenging time in our lives, the triggers can be anywhere. And then we often react from past emotions. Something really intense that left its mark. Understandable, yet irrelevant to the present. Hence, our response is ineffective.

Highways to the past

Picture this: Stressful confrontations are like highways to past situations and emotions, speeding ahead with our reactions. But they don’t belong to the present. That’s why our responses often miss the mark. But there is an escape way.

The Roundabout Route:

Slowing down grants us the crucial pause to recognize these emotions before they escalate. Construct a roundabout amid the highway. It provides the delay and an alternative route to an effective response that aligns with the present self.

Define your own effective response. Suitable for you, here and now. How do you want to behave? What do you want to achieve in the situation? For example: “I want to be assertive yet polite,” “I want to be more enthusiastic,” etc.
Self-awareness. Learn to recognize early signals: your physical reactions, emotions, and thoughts. Be aware before they escalate. For example: Heart beating faster, hands sweating, tense stomach, eyes looking down…
Delay! Keep reactions and emotions in sight but do nothing. Breathe. Take a moment to calm down. This will give you the time to choose your desired, effective response.

And keep driving the route. Like any other path, it takes time to learn by heart. The more you take it, the easier it will become. Granted.

The Roundabout Route is made in collaboration with psycholoog Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

4 februari 2024

Mindfuck

Getting yourself and your life together through adversity is not easy. It is a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. I wrote this post on one of those days.

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WAITING IS NOT THE SAME AS PASSIVITY

Today I tell myself that because I believe I need it. In these first weeks of the year, I’ve been making plans with my goals in mind: traveling, starting a blog, attending school, processing my work disability, mastectomy, and reconstruction. And everything seems to be hanging in the air. Because in the process, we have to deal with other people, schedules, doctors, schools. Weeks go by from appointment to appointment. And I, on a day like today, where I don’t see progress, oscillate between assuming the wait with a sense of guilt and the impulse to do something, anything; also with a sense of guilt.

TICK | Do something. Make a decision. Book the first trip, buy the website. I wonder how it’s possible that all things are pending. Do others experience the same? Or is it the universe telling me something? Do I have to set things in motion, get the machinery running? Yes, no?

TOCK | But… what if I make a bad decision? Because I’m impulsive… One must have patience for things to mature, like fruits. Everything has its time.

TICK | But I feel that in recent years my lack of efficiency in achieving my goals has become evident. Other people just plan a trip, and that’s it. They change jobs, and that’s it. They schedule an appointment, and that’s it. And everything gets tangled up for me.

TOCK | And what I see as I write these lines is that perhaps… the key point is to persist in these uncertain times. Breathe and continue. Just keep acting, remembering the why, those darned goals, but accepting the natural rhythm of things. So that they ripen.

13 januari 2024

Stutz’ Pearls – Accepting imperfection

SETBACKS OR LIMITATIONS, ESPECIALLY WHEN UNEXPECTED, CAN TEMPT US TO THROW IN THE TOWEL. YET, THEY ARE INTEGRAL TO LIFE AND GOAL PURSUIT. THE STRATEGY LIES IN ACCEPTANCE.

Facing setbacks or limitations, particularly when they catch us off guard, can lead to a strong desire to give up. However, it’s fair to recognize that setbacks are an inherent part of both life and the pursuit of our goals. Ok, but how to continue? The key lies in embracing these challenges with acceptance, acknowledging that imperfection is a natural aspect of progress. Just like Phil Stutz’s string of pearls theory illustrates, where each action, regardless of its size, contributes equally to the overall journey. Imperfections, symbolized by dark spots within the pearls, are inevitable. Yet, by persisting despite these imperfections, we retain the ability to continue stringing pearls, advancing steadily towards our aspirations.

Stutz’ pearls

See your day, week, month or plan as a string of pearls. Each pearl is an action. Each action holds equal weight, regardless of size, symbolizing life’s various tasks – from drinking tea to quitting a job. You will find imperfections, represented by dark spots within the pearls. Persist regardless. Execute them one by one. You hold the power to keep stringing pearls, despite imperfections.

The String of Pearls is created by Phil Stutz. It is one in my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

13 oktober 2023

The Self-esteem batteries – nurturing self-worth

HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM IS NURTURED IN CHILDHOOD THROUGH CONSISTENT POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT, ENCOURAGEMENT, AND VALIDATION. WE GET THAT MOSTLY FROM OUR PARENTS, FAMILY AND FRIENDS. BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON”T?

When this foundation is lacking due to life’s adversities, people may develop a dependency on others for validation and self-worth. This reliance on external validation can lead to a perpetual cycle of seeking approval from others to bolster their sense of self-esteem, rather than cultivating it from within.

The Self-esteem battery

Think about it as a battery. A self-esteem battery that originally wasn’t properly loaded; and now goes easily empty. Consequently, you need to recharge the battery more often than usual. There are two recharging strategies.

1. Dependent Child. Connecting the charging cables to an external limited source. This is about seeking validation from another person. For example a partner or a boss. Usually people go automatically for this one. The disadvantage is that we maintain dependency on a limited resource.

2. Autonomous Adult. Recharging from its own power bank. This is about creating a self-esteem buffer. This strategy entails three simple steps:

Identify the down in self-esteem and your need to seek validation, it’s a pattern. What triggers it?

Calm yourself down. Do nothing, call no one. Breathe. Realize, eventually you will feel better and be able to find solace by yourself. All you need is take time to calm down.

Be mild and confident. Take small steps, having setbacks is normal. Practice grants succes.

While this approach demands practice and patience, it creates a self-owned and always available source.

The Self-esteem Batteries card is created in collaboration with psychologist Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

18 april 2023

Raising flags – When great adversity strikes

THIS IS MAYBE THE MOST SIGNIFICANT IMAGE FOR ME DUE TO THE PAST YEAR. THIS IS WHY, ONLY FOR THIS TOOL, I WILL TELL A LITTLE BIT OF MY STORY ADDITIONALLY TO THE EXPLANATION. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW I FOUND MY WAY AMID OF MY OWN GREAT ADVERSITY.

It’s the beginning of 2023. I am at the hospital and I just heard I had cancer. I have never been so scared as that day. Like being struck by lightning. My whole universe changed forever and there I was in a new dimension. Paralyzed at first. But then, I started breathing again. This was surreal: I was breathing thin air, and at the same time I felt some kind of inner strength. Acceptance came, and I saw two scenarios next to each other. At one I was facing my own prompt mortality, at the other one I saw my body healing. Both are very real. And I took them both so I could LIVE instead of just moving through life. The way to live this new life is represented in this image of raising flags.

Raising flags in adversity

When great adversity strikes, you might feel paralyzed. However, the reality is that we -our bodies, minds and souls- are very resilient. Even when it doesn’t feel like that. We are resilient. Great adversity blinds us and confuses us. It hurts bad, that’s true. But eventually we will restart. We will pick up the thread of life.

Solid base

Because we are confused by the strike and the mess left behind it’s difficult to find sense. But the pieces are there, good and bad pieces. To start rebuilding, a solid base is needed. A REALISTIC one. Not false hope, not desperation. You need to see what it really is there: The good and the bad. As it is. This requires RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of the bad and RADICAL AWARENESS of the good that is still there. And then it’s a lot like business, although not as usual.

Preparing for the worst

By radically accepting the bad, the ugly, the inconvenience and the imperfection you will see your WORST-CASE SCENARIO. This is what you want to be prepared for. Here you will find practical stuff like finances and householding, but also work and relationships. The goal is pursuing safety. In my own worst-case I put my testament, a short holiday with my family, my short-term health and the need to stop working (although it was painful).

Aiming for the good

Being radically aware you will be able to see the good, your BEST-CASE scenario. This is what you want to aim for. Here you will find also practical stuff, work, health, relationships, but at a deeper level. You will find here spirituality, purpose and development. Questions like: does my work still fit? Do I need a big house or can I live in a smaller one so I can travel more? Do I want stronger bonding with my family, children or friends? What can be possible? This scenario has nothing to do with false hope, but with the realistic space that you have to create your new ambitions. To enjoy life. In my scenario I put my psychology practice and going back to bouldering for example.

Keeping the flags raised

Raising both flags is a response to great adversity, some guidance to pick up the thread. Keeping the flags raised means:

Both scenarios exist in parallel to each other.
You embrace 100% each one of them.
You switch between both, preparing and aiming.

Great adversity is a part of life, it can strike anytime. We are all resilient, and we all respond to adversity in our own way. Being and staying struck is also valid, and very understandable. If you choose to raise again, this can offer you guidance.

With love and respect.

The Self-esteem Batteries card is created in collaboration with psychologist Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

20 maart 2023

Work and purpose I: “I have cancer and just started a new job”

Written in early 2023, shortly after receiving my diagnosis

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SUDDENLY IN A NEW REALITY. THAT WAS ME ON THE MORNING I FOUND OUT I HAD CANCER. EVERYTHING TOOK ON A DIFFERENT DIMENSION, A DIFFERENT PACE: MOTHERHOOD, PARTNERSHIP, LEISURE TIME, FINANCES, WORK… I WAS DETERMINED TO MAKE MY TIME AS MEANINGFUL AS POSSIBLE, AND MEANINGFUL WORK WAS PART OF THAT. BUT I HAD JUST SIGNED MY CONTRACT… HOW DO YOU TELL SOMETHING LIKE THIS? “COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY, WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?” I THOUGHT… SO, I PICKED UP THE PHONE TO CALL MY MANAGER.

First stop on my journey: a new reality

In early March, I signed my contract to start as a communication advisor at an organization. I had searched for people-centered work and was excited to begin. Then, that morning, I found out I had cancer. Big boom, mind-blowing. Eventually, I got an idea of how I wanted to approach this new reality. It was clear that work was an important part of it, meaningful work. It was of added value to the otherwise cancer-dominated scenery.

Working: wanting and being able to

It was clear to me what I wanted, but what was actually possible within my condition: What can I expect? What can I do and what am I allowed to do? What is realistic?Creating a clear and realistic picture of my medical situation was very important. It turned out that there was enough space for me to be valuable at work. It also became clear that a bit of unpredictability was part of this process, so flexibility would be key to be able to work in this new reality. Both from me and from my new work environment.

Sharing the news

It was one of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make. I was new and definitely felt like I was letting my work down. I also didn’t yet know what to expect, but I did know that the only way forward was to engage in dialogue.

So, I called my direct supervisor. A bombshell for her as well, of course. Just like me when I heard the news, it was now her turn to let this new reality sink in. And that couldn’t happen in just one phone call. What did happen almost immediately was crucial: it was clear that the mutual willing to collaborate was there. And that we needed transparency and flexibility to achieve meaningful work within this new situation. How? By looking at what’s possible, what could be, and always working based on a medically realistic scenario.

at work with colleagues | Heerlen, October 2023

Meaningful work and connection with colleagues

All in all, I was pleasantly surprised by the reactions. My supervisor was very understanding. This made it easier for me in the effort of integrating my treatment and work. I continue to engage in dialogue with all my colleagues. This is how we build connection, which we need to achieve meaningful work together. It’s in the little things, like flexible working hours. On my turn, I am open to working at alternative times outside the regular hours, of working from the hospital when necessary. Which I have done more than once. This gives the confidence to move forward.

– NB for the nerdish among us: TNO has research about the importance of dialogue for working during treatment or chronic disease.-

At the end of 2023, my work perspective looks different. I’ll write about that in the sequel: Work and Purpose II: A New Mindset.

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