FOR THOSE OF US AFFECTED BY A LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS OR MAJOR ADVERSITY, AMBITION CAN SEEM OUT OF PLACE. ANY BIG DREAM OR LONG-TERM PLAN FEELS LIKE A NAIVE ILLUSION. AFTER ALL, WE HAVE A “SWORD OF DAMOCLES” HANGING OVER OUR HEADS. THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FELT ON MY BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR. “FUCK THE SWORD!” I THOUGHT, AND DECIDED TO MAP OUT MY AMBITIONS. NOW I’D LIKE TO SHARE MY EXPERIENCE WITH YOU, HOPING IT INSPIRES YOU TO PURSUE YOUR OWN DREAMS, EVEN WHEN THE OUTLOOK SEEMS BLEAK.
January 2024: False hope
anuary 2024. There I was, dealing with cancer, on sick leave, with some treatments still ahead. Sitting at my table, I stared at the sky in front of me, painfully aware of how much uncertainty there was, how little control I had… and how much I still wanted to do. Rarely had I felt so powerless, so frustrated. I kept hearing well-meaning advice: “Is that realistic, or just false hope? Don’t aim too high, be kind to yourself, and enjoy the day.”
Of course, I’m fully aware of my situation. That sword of Damocles hangs over me: the statistics aren’t great; I might be living my last five years. But at the same time, my body is responding well to treatments, my quality of life is reasonably good, and I might even make it to 60.
The sword of Damocles… fuck it!
I still have dreams, and I can live with both perspectives (short-term and long-term). So, why shouldn’t I have ambitions or make plans? Take this dream of mine: “Becoming a psychologist specializing in trauma.” I want to pursue a six-year university degree. But there’s a chance I won’t live that long, and my treatments clash with a traditional classroom schedule. Still, I can start the program and, in the meantime, use my coaching training and personal experience to support clients and peers. Voluntarily and with passion. With ups and downs, I enjoy the practice. Suppose I don’t reach the date of my diploma. Suppose my dream changes along the way. Does that matter? NO! Because I’m living my dream every day in practice.
So… fuck the sword! I started planning.
Tool: The Dream Matrix
To begin, I drew a matrix inspired by the “thought report” from the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It helped me map out my dreams without losing sight of reality. Here’s how it looked:
| THEME ⬇ | DREAM | PLAN | FACT |
| TRAVEL & LIFESTYLE | Travel the world. | • 3 months MX. • 1 week EU. | • Roadtrip MX: 7 weeks, 4500 km, 5 states. • 1 long weekend Münster. • Empty savings! |
| PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT | •Be a trauma psychologist. •Support other individuals in same situation. | • University. • Seize experience as cancer survivor. • Start blog. | •Voluntary work as experienced buddy for Olijf en Cancer Connect • Featured story in ‘De Telegraaf’, participation in 2 awareness campagnes, 2 lectures • Blog, own and guest author for Cancer Connect and Shit ir Shine |
| BODY | •Get fit, young, and healthy again: Boulder and dancing. | • Yoga. • Mastectomy + reconstruction. • Targeted therapy. • Recover a fit silhouette. | • Mastectomy done •Targeted therapy (regardless of my anemia) • Got new curls. • Got anemia. |
| ENVIRONMENT | HOME | •Major home renovation•Flower garden | • Guests garden-accomodation. • First step garden re-styling. | • Guest accomodation finished. • Adjacent piece of land purchased. |
| LOVE | RELATIONSHIPS | Stay close to family as much as possible | Spend at ALL holidays together with sisters | Xmas holiday together. |
Notice anything? Most things didn’t go as planned. And I definitely had tough moments where I felt like a complete failure. Still, three things helped:
- Realism. Many things didn’t happen as expected. I lacked time, money, patience, or energy.
- Gratitude. Some things did turn out well.
- Celebrate and Seize the Day. Flexibility created space for unexpected, sometimes better, opportunities. Take, for example, the road trip to Mexico and my new curls 🙂
NOW. I have a strong dislike for artificial perfection; so let me be clear again: it has been tough for me as well. But now I know it is indeed possible to channel ambitions and dreams even in the midst of uncertainty.
January 2025: Wondering what lies ahead
So here I am again, another birthday sitting at my table, staring at the empty air. I wonder what this year will bring. There’s a special celebration ahead, visitors, and new challenges. Let’s see what happens.
Do you relate to this experience? Having ambitions and dreams while feeling powerless or like everything is failing. Remember: you are always the owner of your dreams. Take the first step, no matter how small.
Feel free to reach out if you want to share your story.
Or follow me on Insta: alba.espinosa.vd.bunt
Wonderful story, inspiring and very useful. Thanks a lot for sharing it!
Grazie Beatrice! Your feedback means a lot to me, you know 🙂
Glad to hear you found it useful, I wonder what the ‘Sword of Damocles’ means for your pwn situation. And if you know someone that can found some inspiration or validation in my story, feel free to pass it forward! Ciao!