Browsing category: Perspective

  • 27 september 2024

    Ambar Adela: The power of the heart

    IT’S A WARM DAY IN AUGUST. LUNA AND I ARE WALKING THROUGH THE MAZE OF THE SANTO DOMINGO ARTISAN MARKET. A BIT DIZZY FROM THE HEAT AND THE COLORS (AND ME FROM ANEMIA), WE STOP TO LOOK AT SOME QUARTZ BRACELETS AT ONE OF THE COLOR-PACKED STALLS. THE BRACELET I WANT TO BUY FOR LUNA IS A BIT TOO BIG. “IF SHE LIKES IT, I CAN ADJUST IT TO HER SIZE,” SAYS A SOFT VOICE. FIVE SECONDS LATER, I’M STANDING IN FRONT OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH INDIGENOUS FEATURES, HER FACE PERFECTLY MADE UP AND A BIG SMILE WITH DIMPLES. HER NAME IS ADELA, THE OWNER OF THE STALL, WITH HER OWN JEWELRY BRAND, “ÁMBAR ADELA.” HER VOICE IS OFTEN INTERRUPTED BY A CONTAGIOUS LAUGH. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN SHE SEES MY SURPRISE AS SHE EXPLAINS THAT SHE ALSO DESIGNS THE EMBROIDERED CLOTHING SHE SELLS. AT THAT MOMENT, I TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THE MERCHANDISE AROUND ME: EMBROIDERED CLOTHING, SILVER JEWELRY, AND SEMI-PRECIOUS STONES, ALONG WITH AMBER PIECES. “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HOW DO YOU FIND THE TIME?” I ASK, AMAZED. – SHE LAUGHS AGAIN. – “WHY WOULDN’T YOU BELIEVE ME? WHEN YOU DO THINGS WITH LOVE, IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW SMALL THEY ARE. THEY ALWAYS TURN OUT WELL. STEP BY STEP.” AND THAT’S HOW WE BEGIN A CONVERSATION THAT FILLS ME WITH ADMIRATION.

    Adela’s story

    Adela comes from the Tzotzil community in a nearby village. Her mother taught her to embroider when she was a child. She married very young and had three daughters, who are now young adults. When she tells me her age (she’s only six years younger than me, though she looks at least ten years younger), I almost fall over.

    “What?! Forty-seven years old?! I don’t believe it,” I exclaim.

    Her laughter jingles again.
    “You don’t believe anything I say!” But when your spirit is well, and you do things with love, your body reflects that.”

    She tells me that she divorced her daughters’ father long ago. It must have been a difficult time, but I see no trace of bitterness or resentment on her face. Instead, there’s a serene joy.

    “Look at me. I live better this way. Things have gone well for me,” she says, the dimples in her smile reappearing. “I got divorced because I couldn’t rely on him anyway. Once I became independent, I had to decide how to move forward and support my daughters and myself.”

    “When your spirit is well, and you do things with love, your body reflects that”

    Adela Gómez

    From embroidery to beads

    That’s when I remembered my mother’s embroidery. I started by embroidering blouses to sell at the market, with things I love: flowers, fruits, and birds. My style of embroidery sold well. So, I began to embroider other garments, not just traditional ones, but also jeans, jackets, blazers—everything. One thing worth the mention: I only made things I enjoyed creating.

    I’ve always liked accessories, so when I could save a bit of money, I bought some beads and stones and started making small bracelets, earrings, little things. Those sold well, too. Over the years, my stall grew, and I was able to get a small shop here in Santo Domingo. My daughters also grew up; they had their own responsibilities by then. But between them, they helped me formalize my designs into a brand, “Ámbar Adela.” They created the labels for several lines, and well… here we are,” she finishes with a smile.

    Silver and amber
    Amber and Jade
    Embroidery and amber

    Life Force

    I listen in admiration, especially because I know firsthand how hard it is to build a jewelry brand—it’s no easy task. I tell her that years ago, I had my own brand, “Luna de Plata,” and that I gave it up when it was almost fully formed.

    “Why?” she asks.

    With some embarrassment, I admit,
    “Lack of experience, but mostly fear. Fear of failing.”

    Seeing Adela standing there so calm and full of confidence, surrounded by her creations, I rush to tell her that only now, years later, I understand that I can do whatever I set my mind to. That only now do I feel the confidence to face my fears head-on. I tell her I’m surviving cancer and that I’m filled with plans that feel very real to me: this trip through Mexico, my therapy practice, my communication work to support other cancer patients, and the psychology studies I will begin this year.

    She says, “Everything will work out for you, I know it. The things done with love, with motivation, step by step, always turn out well. Because that’s how God works.”

    And the way she says it, I feel a deep certainty in every word. My body vibrates with serene clarity, and in that moment, I understand that she is driven by the Life Force.


    Adela and her unbreakable spirit

    Adela shows that Life Force is not just about carrying on when everything is against you. It’s about finding joy in the small things, feeling love in everything you do. It’s knowing that no matter what happens, you always have the strength within you to start again.

    Her story is not just one of courage but a tribute to the strength of the heart. And so, she continues, with a smile and unstoppable energy, her hands never ceasing to create, her heart always open to her family and her customers. She is living proof of the power of the heart, of love for family, and of the unbreakable spirit of a woman determined to love life no matter what.

    How many times have you had to start again? Which are the little things that bring you joy?
    Share your thoughts in the comments.

    Do you not recognize this Life Force in your own story, or do you feel like you have lost yours?

    Let me know, I am a message away

    Life Force Stories | Part 2

    Credits: Pictures from Adela Gómez Facebook page | Picture ‘Santo Domingo Market’ generated with AI, based on my own original photo’s.

  • 16 september 2024

    Omar Fabián: A heart driven by creativity and legacy

    THE DAY I MET OMAR, I HARDLY KNEW HIM YET. IT WAS PURE CHANCE THAT MY GAZE FELL ON HIS WORKSHOP JUST AS I HAD DECIDED I HAD SEEN ENOUGH BLACK CLAY WORKSHOPS AND CRAFTS. I ADMIT I WAS ALSO FEELING WEAK DUE TO THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE CANCER TREATMENT, SO I WAS SAD TO GIVE UP THE VISIT. BUT THAT HOUSE ON THE CORNER, COMPLETELY PAINTED BLACK, PIQUED MY CURIOSITY. HOW HAD I NOT NOTICED IT BEFORE? SO I DECIDED TO GO IN. THAT VISIT, FUELLED BY CURIOSITY, OPENED MY EYES AND MIND: I MET SOMEONE WHO SEES EVERYTHING WITH A FRESH PERSPECTIVE. DRIVEN BY LOVE FOR HIS WORK AND NEW IDEAS, OMAR ELEVATES HIS ANCESTRAL LEGACY TO THE LEVEL OF ART.

    Omar’s Story

    It was midday in San Bartolo Coyotepec, the town was beaten by the blazing sun and dust. My friend Tania, Fer and I had already toured several workshops with the typical black clay crafts from Oaxaca. I was feeling weak due to my extreme anemia and it was hard for me to admit I had to give up the visit to go eat and rest. I told myself “whatever, I had anyway seen enough workshops and black clay for today”… Just as we were about to grab some lunch before heading out, I noticed a house entirely painted black on the opposite corner. Clearly, it was a workshop we hadn’t seen before. 

    As soon as we entered, it felt like rediscovering black clay. The designs were a reinvention; everything was special. “You agree this isn’t typical; this is design,” Tania said to me. The further we went in, the more we were impressed: the shapes were bolder, the sizes bigger, the designs more creative. Even the way the clay was used was different: I saw it on walls, floors, paintings and even urns.

    At that moment, a young man hurried past; it was Omar Fabián, one of the three brothers who own the workshop and the author of these innovative pieces.

    My curiosity was fully awake, so I asked him a question that sparked an inspiring conversation:  

    “In all the years I’ve been buying black clay, I’ve never seen it applied like this. Are these your ideas?”  

    At first, he was very polite but seemed not particularly interested. “Thanks,” he responded, somewhat surprised, “yes, these are my designs.”  

    “This goes beyond tradition. What has brought you to this point?”

    I realised I had now caught his attention, perhaps because he sensed that my interest was genuine. That’s when the conversation began. He spoke of his family legacy, with over three generations of black clay artisans. He also mentioned his design studies at the University of Oaxaca. How he had combined his heritage, knowledge, and curiosity to challenge the limits of what was “possible.” While respecting the teachings of past generations, he improved the quality of the finishes and applied his design knowledge to create new forms. He experimented with new techniques, formats, and applications.

    Crafting Walls
    Omar’s Workshop

    Bringing Ideas to Life

    In this way, he contributed to the development of the family workshop. As he grew as an artisan, so did the projects he took on. “I started accepting commissions from hotels, restaurants, and museums. They would ask me, for example, to create a mural installation of giant ants, a large niche decorated with butterflies in flight, or a hotel bar with geometric ‘tiles’.” The challenge wasn’t just the visual design. How do you bring those ideas to life? Black clay is fragile, but delicate shapes must withstand installation, transport, and temperature changes. Those new requirements led me to experiment with novel techniques and approaches.”

    Butterflies with Led
    Wall tiles
    Ants installation

    Exploring Limits 

    I couldn’t help but see a parallel with the ups and downs of life in the face of adversity, something I’ve personally experienced since my cancer diagnosis. Suddenly, you find yourself in an unexpected situation that forces you to develop new skills. And to do so, you must draw on both what you’ve been taught and what you’ve learned yourself.

    “Not everything can turn out perfect. Do it again, try again, until it works.” Omar Fabián

    Omar also faces moments of difficulty, which generate uncertainty. Yet there’s an inner drive in him, a confidence in the future. Perhaps it’s the belief in his ability to navigate uncertainty and find solutions, to generate new ideas. His love for the craft he inherited and his creativity are his strength, though he may not say it explicitly, it’s clear to see.

    Butterflies niche
    Tzompantli Skulls in Black Clay and Silver

    Over some water and mezcal, Omar and I shared experiences and came to the conclusion that this is how we’ll continue. Facing fear, with confidence. You might feel sad or tired at times, but deep down, you’re not afraid. You know the solution will come, and you trust the force that moves you.

    Life Force isn’t something grand, as my conversation with Omar reminded me. It manifests itself in simple ways, like knowing how to see the world with a fresh pair of eyes. Just like children do. Now I understand that, on that day, Omar recognised in my curiosity the same curiosity that drives him in everything he does.

    Now tell me, what helps you navigate uncertainty? Do you recognize creative force in your life? Share your thoughts in the comments.

    Do you not recognize this Life Force in your own story, or do you feel like you have lost yours?

    Let me know, I am a message away

    Life Force Stories | Part 1

    credits – pictures Barro negro @omarsutra | Picture Omar and Alba from my personal files

  • 1 juni 2024

    Is cancer making me antisocial?!

    A FEW DAYS BEFORE MY OPERATION, I CALL SOME FRIENDS WHO WANT TO SEE ME BEFORE THE PROCEDURE. PERFECT, I WANTED TO HAVE A FEW DRINKS WITH MY HUSBAND ON FRIDAY AFTERNOON ANYWAY, SO THEY CAN JOIN US. BUT THE TIME DOESN’T SUIT MY FRIEND AMALIA, SO SHE WILL COME ANOTHER TIME. I FEEL A BIT ANNOYED… BUT ALSO RELIEVED. AND I RECOGNISE THAT THIS HAPPENS TO ME MORE OFTEN IN MY SOCIAL CONTACTS SINCE I GOT CANCER. WHY? AM I BECOMING UNAPPROACHABLE? | ARTICLE ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR THE DUTCH PLATFORM “SHIT OR SHINE”

    Unapproachable, or not?

    It’s three o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon. I just got a call from the hospital to inform me that my operation is scheduled for next Monday morning. Finally! I have been waiting for this. I’m not nervous, but I do want to reserve an afternoon to spend with my husband before the rollercoaster begins. A Friday afternoon with snacks and wine. My friends Sarah and Amalia want to join, so they said. But Amalia has an appointment with her personal trainer that she can’t re-schedule or skip. She asks if she can come later in the evening. For me, that would be a bit late, and I tell her so. Then she wants to come over the weekend, but I want to reserve those days for my family. I feel a hint of irritation. So, feeling somewhat apologetic and somewhat irritated, I tell her: “Don’t feel obligated, there will be another time.” In part, I also feel relieved. I notice that I feel more and more distanced from her. Why is that?

    Since I got cancer, I more frequently recognise these feelings in my social interactions. Not only with friends but also with casual acquaintances. For example, someone sent me a message a week after my first chemotherapy, inviting me to go for a walk. This is someone from town who normally just waves at me when we bump into each other. I didn’t even know this person had my phone number; let alone how they got it. In this case too, I felt uncomfortable and somewhat apologetic, but honestly, I had no desire to go at all.

    In moments like these, I think: “Is cancer making me unapproachable?” Why?

    But it’s not always like this. Take this example: I went to the hospital for a CT scan, a few weeks after my mastectomy. The radiologist says to me: “Take off your bra.” I smile and look at her, and I say: “I’m not wearing a bra.” We look into each other’s eyes, and I continue: “I don’t have breasts.” I see the shock in her eyes as she realises, but we hold each other’s gaze and… burst out laughing. Then she asks me a few questions: she wants to know how I’m doing and how I find the whole process. The CT scan proceeds, and the interaction lasts no more than 10 minutes from start to finish, but I leave with a huge smile.

    So, what’s going on? Why do I let some people get closer and not others?

    There is always a good intention behind it

    Let’s start with these principles: people act with good intentions. And I know it’s difficult for those around me to know what’s right. They are walking on eggshells.

    So, if I know this, why do I still find ‘noise’ in some of my interactions? Have I always been like this? … There was a time of parties, reunions until the early hours, dancing until our feet hurt. That’s true. What is also true is that I have always preferred deep bonds, even if that means fewer friendships. At the same time, I’ve always enjoyed striking up a conversation with a stranger on the street, that’s also true. But not with everyone.

    Dancing till the feet hurt

    Connections in ‘high contrast’

    This is because I have always had the need to truly connect with the people around me. That’s how I engage, and I kind of expect the same coming from my contacts. Since I got cancer, it seems like I see everything through a high-contrast filter. Specifically: I have become more sensitive to the absence of connection. At the same time, I need this true connection even more. Authenticity has become more important to me.

    This applies to my friendships as well as to contact with acquaintances, and also with people on the street. The most important thing is that it feels authentic, sincere. Not all friends want to drop or change their things to accommodate my schedule. And really that’s fine, as long as the contact is sincere and not pretentious. Personally, I prefer a greeting with a broad smile from someone who sees me passing by on the street, rather than forcibly trying to ‘do something big and noble’, which our relationship was never based on. It doesn’t fit, it feels forced and uncomfortable. Despite the undoubtedly good intention. It seems less authentic to me.

    What to do? Some tips

    So, for me, less is more. I have become a tad more selective. Is this the perfect solution? No, there is a clear downside: this could lead me to isolation, of course. Even so, it is a conscious choice. I feel this is best for me. Does this apply to all people with cancer? Of course not, everyone has their own way and their own needs regarding their social contacts. And what works for me may not work for someone else. However, there are some tips I’d like to give:

    For the environment, those walking on eggshells

    1. Ask the person (find a suitable time and manner) what they need and what’s comfortable. Do it sincerely; they can feel that and is more likely to get you an equally sincere response and less awkwardness.
    2. Listen. Really listen, respect wishes and boundaries. It’s not about satisfying your own need to ‘do good’, but about what the person needs, can, and wants to receive from you.
    3. Be consistent. If you want to stay close to the person, stay close. If, on the contrary, your priorities honestly don’t allow you to maintain contact, that’s also fine, but don’t expect or force closeness.
    4. Offer practical help, such as cooking or doing some groceries. Here too applies, what is appropriate and sincere. For example, if the person is a mum of another child at school, offer to pick up the children after school.

    For those going through something similar to my experience

    1. Keep in mind that people act with good intentions. They do so with goodwill, and it’s very difficult for them to estimate what’s right for you.
    2. Be honest, especially with yourself. Answer sincerely and be clear about your needs, wishes, and boundaries.
    3. Be mild. With yourself and with others, perfection doesn’t exist.

    Ultimately, it’s about supporting each other in ways that really help. And that can be achieved by truly connecting with each other. Acknowledging the space availabe, without forcing things. A small and sincere gesture can be the seed of a great friendship.

  • 18 april 2024

    The metamorphosis of the body

    MASTECTOMY: TODAY, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE BODY, BUT IN A DIFFERENT, ALMOST METAPHORICAL WAY. THE WORDS ORIGINALLY FLOWED IN MY NATIVE LANGUAGE, PERHAPS BECAUSE IT IS SO INTIMATE. I MADE THIS VERSION IN ENGLISH TO SHARE WITH MORE PEOPLE THAT MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE.

    Lee la version original en español

    Origin – the internal explosion

    The change began within, with an explosion of some restless cells, scared to death by who knows what cruel stress – and the inherited predisposition towards acceleration. Chaotic growth unleashed within me. Speed. Cells in panic.

    I talked to them to calm them down. My friends’ thoughts arrived from every corner of the world. Medications and therapies arrived. Precise scalpels. The cancer was removed. Prognoses consider its possible return, either in the long or short term. I face it. I hope it doesn’t come back. May my body remain vigilant, yes, but strong and clean, following its natural rhythm, free from alarms.

    Evolution – the external transformation

    My body has evolved: first from within – with the removal of my uterus and ovaries – leaving behind a scar from my heart to my belly as a witness. Now, the mountains of my breasts have been flattened, leaving traces of the scalpel and a void on each side of my chest. Still fresh.

    “It takes guts to witness my own transformation with eyes wide open.”

    The definition of the body

    My shapes have changed. My body is imprecise, not fully defined yet. And, I confess, it takes guts to witness my own transformation with eyes wide open. And love for this body; to continue finding the pretty stuff, the good stuff, the strong stuff.

    So it may find its new shapes: with feet firmly planted in life. A light heart. And a head full of the universe.

    This was the third post in a series on the impact of my mastectomy on me, from body to mind. I write one post every week while recovering from the procedure.

    Read the second post here

  • 19 maart 2024

    Work and Purpose II: A New Mindset

    Written in early 2024, as I found myself confronted with sick leave.

    klik hier voor de NL versie

    IT’S A RAINY RUSH HOUR EVENING IN OCTOBER 2023. I’M DRIVING BACK FROM THE OFFICE IN EINDHOVEN, FACING A TWO-HOUR COMMUTE HOME. THE TREATMENTS ARE BEHIND ME, ONCOLOGISTS HAVE DECLARED ME ‘CLEAN’. FOR NOW. EVERY DAY, I SWALLOW MEDICATION TO INCREASE MY CHANCES OF SURVIVAL. I GLANCE AT MY FELLOW COMMUTERS AND THINK, “TODAY, I MANAGED A FULL DAY OF WORK, I’M BACK IN THE GAME,” AND THEN I REALIZE I HAD CLOSED MY EYES FOR A FEW SECONDS. BEHIND THE WHEEL.

    on my way to work | Amsterdam 2023

    Update 2024 – Employability now

    Meanwhile, I am no longer working. The impact of treatment and side effects on my immunity, capacity, and body is even greater now than during treatment. Difficult, but I accept it. Although having a disease like cancer is never easy and working during illness is not always possible, working can be very valuable. For both employee and employer. It can help focus on what really matters in life. In the Netherlands, about a third of people with cancer work during their treatment. Research by TNO and the Arbo Unie shows the challenges and benefits of working during treatment:

    Employee

    • Faster recovery during and after treatment.
    • Prevention against negative mental effects during and after treatment, such as reduced risk of depression and social isolation.

    Employer

    • Reduced risk of absenteeism.
    • Increased productivity.
    • Faster reintegration process of the employee.

    Second stop on my journey: a new mindset

    The experience of working during my illness has brought me a lot. I have experienced that, when possible, meaningful work actively contributes to my well-being. Meaningful work, for me, is about connection and making a contribution to society. That’s why I now volunteer for the Olijf Foundation. Also through this blog. I want to offer fellow sufferers and their loved ones a helping hand, a place to shelter.

    There is still much to do and much we don’t know yet. This can cause unrest. But this mindset gives me confidence. It allows me to think in terms of possibilities, rather than being knocked down. And this is possible within my new reality.

    This is the second of two pieces about my experience of working during cancer treatment in the period of my first diagnose.

    READ THE FIRST ONE HERE

  • 19 maart 2024

    Kaleidoscope

    LEES HIER DE NL VERSIE

    A NEW REALITY

    Living with cancer is living in a new reality. From the moment of diagnosis, it’s a continuous process of discovery. Because what was once stable is now constantly changing. What was once familiar has disappeared and new things have taken its place. Constantly. Nothing is granted anymore. Uncertainty, trust, fear, hope, sadness, and yet humor… (“hey, humor… can that be?!” – you think then)

    You get a diagnosis and it’s a bomb, you undergo treatment and get hope, you ‘get better’, and then…

    The post-treatment journey is just as intense as the beginning. Just different. Because, now what? My job no longer fits, my body looks different, it reacts differently than I was used to.

    Paradox-Verlies-Opportunity

    VIEWING THROUGH THE KALEIDOSCOPE

    It’s akin to looking through a kaleidoscope. Everything changes constantly before your eyes… in shape, in color, in size. What you thought you knew could just have changed. It can make your head spin. Really. At the same time, it’s beautiful. Yes. Beautiful. If you accept this rhythm, it also offers new perspectives. I also discover strengths and qualities that I hadn’t seen before. And then I think – With a new body, new life, and new strengths, you should also be able to try on new clothes, find a new occupation, and even, perhaps, build new work. Rearrange your life again. – Right? And that’s what I’m busy with now, still very much at the beginning. And I won’t lie, I find it unexpectedly intense…

    It’s akin to looking through a kaleidoscope. Everything changes constantly before your eyes… in shape, in colour, in size. What you thought you knew may have turned completely different. It can be dizzying, indeed. Yet, simultaneously, it’s beautiful. Yes. Beautiful.

    If you embrace this rhythm, it also offers new perspectives. I discover strengths and qualities I hadn’t seen before. And then I think – With this new body, new life, and new strengths, I can take a new direction, try a new outfit, find a new way to spend my days, and even, just maybe, build new work. Rearranging my life anew. Right?

    That’s what I’m dealing with now, right at the beginning. And you should know, I find it quite intense, unexpectedly intense… It feels uncertain and, truth be told, almost every aspect of my life is uncertain.

    The kaleidoscope keeps turning…

    What I do feel certain about is that inner knowledge that IT’S-ALL-RIGHT. This is who I am now, it’s possible. It’s possible. Rearranging my life again. Enjoying my life as it is now, however long that may be. This inner knowledge is my compass. I will learn to dance to a new rhythm. I will learn to navigate with the kaleidoscope before my eyes. I choose how I want to live my life. NOW too.

  • 4 februari 2024

    Mindfuck

    Getting yourself and your life together through adversity is not easy. It is a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. I wrote this post on one of those days.

    Lee la version en español

    WAITING IS NOT THE SAME AS PASSIVITY

    Today I tell myself that because I believe I need it. In these first weeks of the year, I’ve been making plans with my goals in mind: traveling, starting a blog, attending school, processing my work disability, mastectomy, and reconstruction. And everything seems to be hanging in the air. Because in the process, we have to deal with other people, schedules, doctors, schools. Weeks go by from appointment to appointment. And I, on a day like today, where I don’t see progress, oscillate between assuming the wait with a sense of guilt and the impulse to do something, anything; also with a sense of guilt.

    TICK | Do something. Make a decision. Book the first trip, buy the website. I wonder how it’s possible that all things are pending. Do others experience the same? Or is it the universe telling me something? Do I have to set things in motion, get the machinery running? Yes, no?

    TOCK | But… what if I make a bad decision? Because I’m impulsive… One must have patience for things to mature, like fruits. Everything has its time.

    TICK | But I feel that in recent years my lack of efficiency in achieving my goals has become evident. Other people just plan a trip, and that’s it. They change jobs, and that’s it. They schedule an appointment, and that’s it. And everything gets tangled up for me.

    TOCK | And what I see as I write these lines is that perhaps… the key point is to persist in these uncertain times. Breathe and continue. Just keep acting, remembering the why, those darned goals, but accepting the natural rhythm of things. So that they ripen.

  • 18 april 2023

    Raising flags – When great adversity strikes

    THIS IS MAYBE THE MOST SIGNIFICANT IMAGE FOR ME DUE TO THE PAST YEAR. THIS IS WHY, ONLY FOR THIS TOOL, I WILL TELL A LITTLE BIT OF MY STORY ADDITIONALLY TO THE EXPLANATION. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW I FOUND MY WAY AMID OF MY OWN GREAT ADVERSITY.

    It’s the beginning of 2023. I am at the hospital and I just heard I had cancer. I have never been so scared as that day. Like being struck by lightning. My whole universe changed forever and there I was in a new dimension. Paralyzed at first. But then, I started breathing again. This was surreal: I was breathing thin air, and at the same time I felt some kind of inner strength. Acceptance came, and I saw two scenarios next to each other. At one I was facing my own prompt mortality, at the other one I saw my body healing. Both are very real. And I took them both so I could LIVE instead of just moving through life. The way to live this new life is represented in this image of raising flags.

    Raising flags in adversity

    When great adversity strikes, you might feel paralyzed. However, the reality is that we -our bodies, minds and souls- are very resilient. Even when it doesn’t feel like that. We are resilient. Great adversity blinds us and confuses us. It hurts bad, that’s true. But eventually we will restart. We will pick up the thread of life.

    Solid base

    Because we are confused by the strike and the mess left behind it’s difficult to find sense. But the pieces are there, good and bad pieces. To start rebuilding, a solid base is needed. A REALISTIC one. Not false hope, not desperation. You need to see what it really is there: The good and the bad. As it is. This requires RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of the bad and RADICAL AWARENESS of the good that is still there. And then it’s a lot like business, although not as usual.

    Preparing for the worst

    By radically accepting the bad, the ugly, the inconvenience and the imperfection you will see your WORST-CASE SCENARIO. This is what you want to be prepared for. Here you will find practical stuff like finances and householding, but also work and relationships. The goal is pursuing safety. In my own worst-case I put my testament, a short holiday with my family, my short-term health and the need to stop working (although it was painful).

    Aiming for the good

    Being radically aware you will be able to see the good, your BEST-CASE scenario. This is what you want to aim for. Here you will find also practical stuff, work, health, relationships, but at a deeper level. You will find here spirituality, purpose and development. Questions like: does my work still fit? Do I need a big house or can I live in a smaller one so I can travel more? Do I want stronger bonding with my family, children or friends? What can be possible? This scenario has nothing to do with false hope, but with the realistic space that you have to create your new ambitions. To enjoy life. In my scenario I put my psychology practice and going back to bouldering for example.

    RaisingFlagsinAdversity_Explanation

    Keeping the flags raised

    Raising both flags is a response to great adversity, some guidance to pick up the thread. Keeping the flags raised means:

    1. Both scenarios exist in parallel to each other.
    2. You embrace 100% each one of them.
    3. You switch between both, preparing and aiming.

    Great adversity is a part of life, it can strike anytime. We are all resilient, and we all respond to adversity in our own way. Being and staying struck is also valid, and very understandable. If you choose to raise again, this can offer you guidance.

    With love and respect.

    The Self-esteem Batteries card is created in collaboration with psychologist Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

  • 20 maart 2023

    Work and purpose I: “I have cancer and just started a new job”

    Written in early 2023, shortly after receiving my diagnosis

    klik hier voor de NL versie

    SUDDENLY IN A NEW REALITY. THAT WAS ME ON THE MORNING I FOUND OUT I HAD CANCER. EVERYTHING TOOK ON A DIFFERENT DIMENSION, A DIFFERENT PACE: MOTHERHOOD, PARTNERSHIP, LEISURE TIME, FINANCES, WORK… I WAS DETERMINED TO MAKE MY TIME AS MEANINGFUL AS POSSIBLE, AND MEANINGFUL WORK WAS PART OF THAT. BUT I HAD JUST SIGNED MY CONTRACT… HOW DO YOU TELL SOMETHING LIKE THIS? “COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY, WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?” I THOUGHT… SO, I PICKED UP THE PHONE TO CALL MY MANAGER.

    First stop on my journey: a new reality

    In early March, I signed my contract to start as a communication advisor at an organization. I had searched for people-centered work and was excited to begin. Then, that morning, I found out I had cancer. Big boom, mind-blowing. Eventually, I got an idea of how I wanted to approach this new reality. It was clear that work was an important part of it, meaningful work. It was of added value to the otherwise cancer-dominated scenery.

    Working: wanting and being able to

    It was clear to me what I wanted, but what was actually possible within my condition: What can I expect? What can I do and what am I allowed to do? What is realistic?Creating a clear and realistic picture of my medical situation was very important. It turned out that there was enough space for me to be valuable at work. It also became clear that a bit of unpredictability was part of this process, so flexibility would be key to be able to work in this new reality. Both from me and from my new work environment.

    Sharing the news

    It was one of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make. I was new and definitely felt like I was letting my work down. I also didn’t yet know what to expect, but I did know that the only way forward was to engage in dialogue.

    So, I called my direct supervisor. A bombshell for her as well, of course. Just like me when I heard the news, it was now her turn to let this new reality sink in. And that couldn’t happen in just one phone call. What did happen almost immediately was crucial: it was clear that the mutual willing to collaborate was there. And that we needed transparency and flexibility to achieve meaningful work within this new situation. How? By looking at what’s possible, what could be, and always working based on a medically realistic scenario.

    at work with colleagues | Heerlen, October 2023

    Meaningful work and connection with colleagues

    All in all, I was pleasantly surprised by the reactions. My supervisor was very understanding. This made it easier for me in the effort of integrating my treatment and work. I continue to engage in dialogue with all my colleagues. This is how we build connection, which we need to achieve meaningful work together. It’s in the little things, like flexible working hours. On my turn, I am open to working at alternative times outside the regular hours, of working from the hospital when necessary. Which I have done more than once. This gives the confidence to move forward.

    – NB for the nerdish among us: TNO has research about the importance of dialogue for working during treatment or chronic disease.-

    At the end of 2023, my work perspective looks different. I’ll write about that in the sequel: Work and Purpose II: A New Mindset.