• La definición del cuerpo

    MASTECTOMIA: PARA MI UNA FACIL DECISION, AUNQUE DE COMPLEJOS EFECTOS. ES QUE AFECTA EL CUERPO, LA MENTE Y EL ALMA. EN ESTAS SEMANAS, MIENTRAS ME RECUPERO, ESCRIBO LO QUE VOY VIVIENDO, ASI COMO VA SALIENDO. HOY QUIERO HABLAR DE LA TRANSFORMACION DEL CUERPO, PERO DE UNA MANERA DISTINTA, CASI METAFÓRICA. Y TAN INTIMA QUE LAS PALABRAS FLUYEN EN MI LENGUA MATERNA.

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    Origen – la explosión interior

    El cambio comenzó en el interior, con una explosión de mis células inquietas, aceleradas por quién sabe que cruel estrés – y la predisposición heredada -. Se desató un crecimiento caótico en mis entrañas. Veloz. Células en pánico.

    Hablé con ellas para calmarlas. Llegaron los pensamientos de amigos desde todas las esquinas del mundo. Llegaron los medicamentos y las terapias. Los bisturíes precisos. El cáncer se retiró. Los pronósticos contemplan su posible regreso a largo o a corto plazo. Yo lo afrento. Espero que no vuelva. Que mi cuerpo se mantenga alerta, sí, pero fuerte y limpio, siguiendo su ritmo natural, libre de sobresaltos.

    Evolución – la transformación exterior

    Mi cuerpo ha evolucionado: primero desde adentro – fuera mi útero y ovarios – quedando como testigo la línea del tajo desde mi corazón hasta mi vientre. Ahora, las montañas de mis senos se han allanado, dejando trazos del bisturí y un vacío a cada lado de mi pecho. Aún frescos.

    hay que tener agallas para ser testigo de mi propia transformación
    con los ojos bien abiertos.

    La definición del cuerpo

    Mis formas han cambiado. Mi cuerpo es impreciso, aún no se define por completo. Y, lo confieso, hay que tener agallas para ser testigo de mi propia transformación con los ojos bien abiertos. Y cariño por este cuerpo; para seguir encontrando lo bonito y lo bueno, lo fuerte.

    Para que encuentre sus nuevas formas: con los pies bien plantados en la vida. El corazón ligero. Y la cabeza llena del universo.

    Este es el tercer capítulo en una serie sobre el impacto de mi mastectomía, de cuerpo a espíritu. Cada semana publico uno nuevo, en este mes de recuperación postoperatoria.

    Puedes leer el segundo aquí (ENGLISH)

  • Kaleidoscope

    LEES HIER DE NL VERSIE

    A NEW REALITY

    Living with cancer is living in a new reality. From the moment of diagnosis, it’s a continuous process of discovery. Because what was once stable is now constantly changing. What was once familiar has disappeared and new things have taken its place. Constantly. Nothing is granted anymore. Uncertainty, trust, fear, hope, sadness, and yet humor… (“hey, humor… can that be?!” – you think then)

    You get a diagnosis and it’s a bomb, you undergo treatment and get hope, you ‘get better’, and then…

    The post-treatment journey is just as intense as the beginning. Just different. Because, now what? My job no longer fits, my body looks different, it reacts differently than I was used to.

    Paradox-Verlies-Opportunity

    VIEWING THROUGH THE KALEIDOSCOPE

    It’s akin to looking through a kaleidoscope. Everything changes constantly before your eyes… in shape, in color, in size. What you thought you knew could just have changed. It can make your head spin. Really. At the same time, it’s beautiful. Yes. Beautiful. If you accept this rhythm, it also offers new perspectives. I also discover strengths and qualities that I hadn’t seen before. And then I think – With a new body, new life, and new strengths, you should also be able to try on new clothes, find a new occupation, and even, perhaps, build new work. Rearrange your life again. – Right? And that’s what I’m busy with now, still very much at the beginning. And I won’t lie, I find it unexpectedly intense…

    It’s akin to looking through a kaleidoscope. Everything changes constantly before your eyes… in shape, in colour, in size. What you thought you knew may have turned completely different. It can be dizzying, indeed. Yet, simultaneously, it’s beautiful. Yes. Beautiful.

    If you embrace this rhythm, it also offers new perspectives. I discover strengths and qualities I hadn’t seen before. And then I think – With this new body, new life, and new strengths, I can take a new direction, try a new outfit, find a new way to spend my days, and even, just maybe, build new work. Rearranging my life anew. Right?

    That’s what I’m dealing with now, right at the beginning. And you should know, I find it quite intense, unexpectedly intense… It feels uncertain and, truth be told, almost every aspect of my life is uncertain.

    The kaleidoscope keeps turning…

    What I do feel certain about is that inner knowledge that IT’S-ALL-RIGHT. This is who I am now, it’s possible. It’s possible. Rearranging my life again. Enjoying my life as it is now, however long that may be. This inner knowledge is my compass. I will learn to dance to a new rhythm. I will learn to navigate with the kaleidoscope before my eyes. I choose how I want to live my life. NOW too.

  • Raising flags – When great adversity strikes

    THIS IS MAYBE THE MOST SIGNIFICANT IMAGE FOR ME DUE TO THE PAST YEAR. THIS IS WHY, ONLY FOR THIS TOOL, I WILL TELL A LITTLE BIT OF MY STORY ADDITIONALLY TO THE EXPLANATION. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW I FOUND MY WAY AMID OF MY OWN GREAT ADVERSITY.

    It’s the beginning of 2023. I am at the hospital and I just heard I had cancer. I have never been so scared as that day. Like being struck by lightning. My whole universe changed forever and there I was in a new dimension. Paralyzed at first. But then, I started breathing again. This was surreal: I was breathing thin air, and at the same time I felt some kind of inner strength. Acceptance came, and I saw two scenarios next to each other. At one I was facing my own prompt mortality, at the other one I saw my body healing. Both are very real. And I took them both so I could LIVE instead of just moving through life. The way to live this new life is represented in this image of raising flags.

    Raising flags in adversity

    When great adversity strikes, you might feel paralyzed. However, the reality is that we -our bodies, minds and souls- are very resilient. Even when it doesn’t feel like that. We are resilient. Great adversity blinds us and confuses us. It hurts bad, that’s true. But eventually we will restart. We will pick up the thread of life.

    Solid base

    Because we are confused by the strike and the mess left behind it’s difficult to find sense. But the pieces are there, good and bad pieces. To start rebuilding, a solid base is needed. A REALISTIC one. Not false hope, not desperation. You need to see what it really is there: The good and the bad. As it is. This requires RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of the bad and RADICAL AWARENESS of the good that is still there. And then it’s a lot like business, although not as usual.

    Preparing for the worst

    By radically accepting the bad, the ugly, the inconvenience and the imperfection you will see your WORST-CASE SCENARIO. This is what you want to be prepared for. Here you will find practical stuff like finances and householding, but also work and relationships. The goal is pursuing safety. In my own worst-case I put my testament, a short holiday with my family, my short-term health and the need to stop working (although it was painful).

    Aiming for the good

    Being radically aware you will be able to see the good, your BEST-CASE scenario. This is what you want to aim for. Here you will find also practical stuff, work, health, relationships, but at a deeper level. You will find here spirituality, purpose and development. Questions like: does my work still fit? Do I need a big house or can I live in a smaller one so I can travel more? Do I want stronger bonding with my family, children or friends? What can be possible? This scenario has nothing to do with false hope, but with the realistic space that you have to create your new ambitions. To enjoy life. In my scenario I put my psychology practice and going back to bouldering for example.

    RaisingFlagsinAdversity_Explanation

    Keeping the flags raised

    Raising both flags is a response to great adversity, some guidance to pick up the thread. Keeping the flags raised means:

    1. Both scenarios exist in parallel to each other.
    2. You embrace 100% each one of them.
    3. You switch between both, preparing and aiming.

    Great adversity is a part of life, it can strike anytime. We are all resilient, and we all respond to adversity in our own way. Being and staying struck is also valid, and very understandable. If you choose to raise again, this can offer you guidance.

    With love and respect.

    The Self-esteem Batteries card is created in collaboration with psychologist Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.