Browsing category: Vertrouwen

  • 13 februari 2024

    The Roundabout Route – navigating stressful situations

    WHEN FACED WITH TENSE ENCOUNTERS WE OFTEN REACT FROM PAST EMOTIONS. AFTERWARDS, WE WISH WE WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY, SAID BETTER WORDS, BEEN MORE ASSERTIVE. TAKING THE ROUNDABOUT ROUTE GRANTS US AN ALTERNATIVE TO RESPOND APPROPRIATELY.

    Conflicts, hospitals, bosses… When facing a challenging time in our lives, the triggers can be anywhere. And then we often react from past emotions. Something really intense that left its mark. Understandable, yet irrelevant to the present. Hence, our response is ineffective. 

    Highways to the past

    Picture this: Stressful confrontations are like highways to past situations and emotions, speeding ahead with our reactions. But they don’t belong to the present. That’s why our responses often miss the mark. But there is an escape way.

    The Roundabout Route - Strategy to navigate stressful situations

    The Roundabout Route:

    Slowing down grants us the crucial pause to recognize these emotions before they escalate. Construct a roundabout amid the highway. It provides the delay and an alternative route to an effective response that aligns with the present self.

    1. Define your own effective response. Suitable for you, here and now. How do you want to behave? What do you want to achieve in the situation? For example: “I want to be assertive yet polite,” “I want to be more enthusiastic,” etc.
    2. Self-awareness. Learn to recognize early signals: your physical reactions, emotions, and thoughts. Be aware before they escalate. For example: Heart beating faster, hands sweating, tense stomach, eyes looking down…
    3. Delay! Keep reactions and emotions in sight but do nothing. Breathe. Take a moment to calm down. This will give you the time to choose your desired, effective response.

    And keep driving the route. Like any other path, it takes time to learn by heart. The more you take it, the easier it will become. Granted.

    The Roundabout Route is made in collaboration with psycholoog Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

  • 13 oktober 2023

    The Self-esteem batteries – nurturing self-worth

    HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM IS NURTURED IN CHILDHOOD THROUGH CONSISTENT POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT, ENCOURAGEMENT, AND VALIDATION. WE GET THAT MOSTLY FROM OUR PARENTS, FAMILY AND FRIENDS. BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON”T?

    When this foundation is lacking due to life’s adversities, people may develop a dependency on others for validation and self-worth. This reliance on external validation can lead to a perpetual cycle of seeking approval from others to bolster their sense of self-esteem, rather than cultivating it from within.

    The Self-esteem battery

    Think about it as a battery. A self-esteem battery that originally wasn’t properly loaded; and now goes easily empty. Consequently, you need to recharge the battery more often than usual. There are two recharging strategies.

    1. Dependent Child. Connecting the charging cables to an external limited source. This is about seeking validation from another person. For example a partner or a boss. Usually people go automatically for this one. The disadvantage is that we maintain dependency on a limited resource.

    2. Autonomous Adult. Recharging from its own power bank. This is about creating a self-esteem buffer. This strategy entails three simple steps:

    • Identify the down in self-esteem and your need to seek validation, it’s a pattern. What triggers it?
    • Calm yourself down. Do nothing, call no one. Breathe. Realize, eventually you will feel better and be able to find solace by yourself. All you need is take time to calm down.
    • Be mild and confident. Take small steps, having setbacks is normal. Practice grants succes. 

    While this approach demands practice and patience, it creates a self-owned and always available source.

    The Self-esteem Batteries card is created in collaboration with psychologist Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

  • 18 april 2023

    Raising flags – When great adversity strikes

    THIS IS MAYBE THE MOST SIGNIFICANT IMAGE FOR ME DUE TO THE PAST YEAR. THIS IS WHY, ONLY FOR THIS TOOL, I WILL TELL A LITTLE BIT OF MY STORY ADDITIONALLY TO THE EXPLANATION. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW I FOUND MY WAY AMID OF MY OWN GREAT ADVERSITY.

    It’s the beginning of 2023. I am at the hospital and I just heard I had cancer. I have never been so scared as that day. Like being struck by lightning. My whole universe changed forever and there I was in a new dimension. Paralyzed at first. But then, I started breathing again. This was surreal: I was breathing thin air, and at the same time I felt some kind of inner strength. Acceptance came, and I saw two scenarios next to each other. At one I was facing my own prompt mortality, at the other one I saw my body healing. Both are very real. And I took them both so I could LIVE instead of just moving through life. The way to live this new life is represented in this image of raising flags.

    Raising flags in adversity

    When great adversity strikes, you might feel paralyzed. However, the reality is that we -our bodies, minds and souls- are very resilient. Even when it doesn’t feel like that. We are resilient. Great adversity blinds us and confuses us. It hurts bad, that’s true. But eventually we will restart. We will pick up the thread of life.

    Solid base

    Because we are confused by the strike and the mess left behind it’s difficult to find sense. But the pieces are there, good and bad pieces. To start rebuilding, a solid base is needed. A REALISTIC one. Not false hope, not desperation. You need to see what it really is there: The good and the bad. As it is. This requires RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of the bad and RADICAL AWARENESS of the good that is still there. And then it’s a lot like business, although not as usual.

    Preparing for the worst

    By radically accepting the bad, the ugly, the inconvenience and the imperfection you will see your WORST-CASE SCENARIO. This is what you want to be prepared for. Here you will find practical stuff like finances and householding, but also work and relationships. The goal is pursuing safety. In my own worst-case I put my testament, a short holiday with my family, my short-term health and the need to stop working (although it was painful).

    Aiming for the good

    Being radically aware you will be able to see the good, your BEST-CASE scenario. This is what you want to aim for. Here you will find also practical stuff, work, health, relationships, but at a deeper level. You will find here spirituality, purpose and development. Questions like: does my work still fit? Do I need a big house or can I live in a smaller one so I can travel more? Do I want stronger bonding with my family, children or friends? What can be possible? This scenario has nothing to do with false hope, but with the realistic space that you have to create your new ambitions. To enjoy life. In my scenario I put my psychology practice and going back to bouldering for example.

    RaisingFlagsinAdversity_Explanation

    Keeping the flags raised

    Raising both flags is a response to great adversity, some guidance to pick up the thread. Keeping the flags raised means:

    1. Both scenarios exist in parallel to each other.
    2. You embrace 100% each one of them.
    3. You switch between both, preparing and aiming.

    Great adversity is a part of life, it can strike anytime. We are all resilient, and we all respond to adversity in our own way. Being and staying struck is also valid, and very understandable. If you choose to raise again, this can offer you guidance.

    With love and respect.

    The Self-esteem Batteries card is created in collaboration with psychologist Theo Verhoeven. It is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.