Browsing category: Femininity

  • 25 mei 2024

    Appearance

    YOU ARE IN THE PRIME OF LIFE AS A WOMAN, MOTHER, PERSON. BUT THEN YOU’RE CONFRONTED WITH YOUR OWN DEATH SENTENCE. ALL MATERIAL THINGS BECOME OF SECONDARY IMPORTANCE, OR COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. AND IF YOU GET THE CHANCE FOR (LONGER) LIFE WITH QUALITY, YOU GRAB THAT CHANCE WITH BOTH HANDS. YOU ENTER A NEW PHASE. YOU COME OUT CHANGED, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT. SO NOW, IS APPEARANCE STILL IMPORTANT? HOW IMPORTANT? YOU NOTICE THAT THERE ARE TWO ANSWERS, SOMETIMES CONTRADICTORY, YET EXISTING SIDE BY SIDE. THIS IS HOW MY APPEARANCE HAS CHANGED DUE TO CANCER, AND WHAT IT DOES TO ME.

    LEES HIER DE NL VERSIE

    Magic mirror on the wall…

    Six rounds of chemo, a major abdominal surgery (debulking and HIPEC), targeted therapy to deactivate the remaining dormant cancer cells, both breasts amputated. I am still here.

    I stand in front of the mirror; I look at myself with eyes wide open. And this is what I see, hear, think…

    My hand looks like a glove! No ring fitsWow! I can still thread a needle and draw in detail at 48
    Gee, what stupid curls, I can’t do anything with them 🤯Curls are fun with a headband! New summer hairstyle 🌞
    My hair grows so slooooowly.Nice to have plenty of hair back.
    Pfff, what wrinkles, it’s happening so fast with menopauseI love my tanned skin, looking summery all year round
    Crooked chemo toenails 😟I put on a pair of nice heels, and off I go! I can dance again 💃
    I’ve got hobbit feet!!!Lovely long walks through the countryside.
    Flat chest and short hair, I look like a man!A flat chest actually suits me, I have a sleeker silhouette in my fitted tops.
    Dents and scars instead of breastsA new beginning, I’m curious how my new breasts will turn out
    Gosh, no breasts is really flatNice to wear a strapless top, it fits!!
    My front looks like a battlefield!Well, it’s cancer-free.
    A scar from my chest to my lower abdomen, and it’s crooked too…A perfect place for a Tree of Life tattoo, as a symbol
    Big scars and disfigurementLooks tough… I’m a badass! 😎
    Pff, I look like an old womanWhat a badass woman
    Goodness, how will I ever feel sexy again???Hmmm, who knows how it’ll be with new breasts and cool tattoos… 👯‍♀️

    See? Two thoughts at the same time, two answers at the same time. A bit hysterical perhaps, and all true. No side is heavier, both are very real to me.

    Is appearance important or a superficial matter?

    So, let me put it this way: If you were to give me a contract now guaranteeing that the cancer is gone and stays away; but on the condition that I remain bald, flat, and deeply scarred for the rest of my life, I’d sign immediately. Without a doubt. So yes, how important is appearance?

    Well, not more important than my life, and yet more important than I initially thought. Cancer, living with cancer, living after cancer is a metamorphosis. Appearance is part of my identity, of my self-perception. That has changed and will continue to change.

    I watch with curiosity. Sometimes I feel a tear streaming down my face, and sometimes I am surprised by something cute that I discover. I think it’s part of the process of acceptance and rebuilding. At least, it is for me.

    I remain curious, but above all filled with marveling for my body, its strength, its capacity to transform. As if the universe resides within it.

    Deze afbeelding heeft een leeg alt-attribuut; de bestandsnaam is Erfelijkheid-bewustwording.jpeg
  • 18 april 2024

    The metamorphosis of the body

    MASTECTOMY: TODAY, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE BODY, BUT IN A DIFFERENT, ALMOST METAPHORICAL WAY. THE WORDS ORIGINALLY FLOWED IN MY NATIVE LANGUAGE, PERHAPS BECAUSE IT IS SO INTIMATE. I MADE THIS VERSION IN ENGLISH TO SHARE WITH MORE PEOPLE THAT MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE.

    Lee la version original en español

    Origin – the internal explosion

    The change began within, with an explosion of some restless cells, scared to death by who knows what cruel stress – and the inherited predisposition towards acceleration. Chaotic growth unleashed within me. Speed. Cells in panic.

    I talked to them to calm them down. My friends’ thoughts arrived from every corner of the world. Medications and therapies arrived. Precise scalpels. The cancer was removed. Prognoses consider its possible return, either in the long or short term. I face it. I hope it doesn’t come back. May my body remain vigilant, yes, but strong and clean, following its natural rhythm, free from alarms.

    Evolution – the external transformation

    My body has evolved: first from within – with the removal of my uterus and ovaries – leaving behind a scar from my heart to my belly as a witness. Now, the mountains of my breasts have been flattened, leaving traces of the scalpel and a void on each side of my chest. Still fresh.

    “It takes guts to witness my own transformation with eyes wide open.”

    The definition of the body

    My shapes have changed. My body is imprecise, not fully defined yet. And, I confess, it takes guts to witness my own transformation with eyes wide open. And love for this body; to continue finding the pretty stuff, the good stuff, the strong stuff.

    So it may find its new shapes: with feet firmly planted in life. A light heart. And a head full of the universe.

    This was the third post in a series on the impact of my mastectomy on me, from body to mind. I write one post every week while recovering from the procedure.

    Read the second post here

  • 27 maart 2024

    Mastectomy: My inheritance, my choices

    FROM MY MATERNAL LINE, I’VE INHERITED MANY POSITIVE TRAITS SUCH AS INTUITION AND STRENGTH, BUT A GENETIC PREDISPOSITION TO CANCER ISN’T ONE OF THE POSITIVES. SINCE LEARNING THIS, I’VE MADE MY DECISION: AFTER THE REMOVAL OF MY OVARIES AND UTERUS LAST YEAR, I OPTED FOR A PREVENTATIVE MASTECTOMY. IT’S DONE NOW: MY BREASTS HAVE BEEN REMOVED.

    LEES hier de NL versie

    Maternal line

    We have a strong maternal lineage in my family, almost akin to a matriarchy. I was raised by formidable women, imbued with strength, sensitivity, intuition, and autonomy. It’s ingrained in my blood, in my DNA, and I carry it with pride. However, I’m also a carrier of the BRCA2 mutation, which elevates my risk for gynaecological cancers. That, too, is part of my genetic inheritance. I lost my mother to the ravages of advanced breast cancer. Her final weeks were a trial, and I bore witness to it.

    From Ovaries to Breasts

    The genetic predisposition first struck my ovaries like a hammer blow last year. But it could also affect my breasts, with an increased risk of 80%. Hence, a plan was formulated: initially focusing on my ovaries, uterus, and abdominal metastases, treated with chemotherapy, debulking, and HIPEC. The second phase targeted my breasts: a preventative mastectomy. It might sound like a straightforward plan, but the experience was naturally different.

    Making choices

    It’s a time of significant decisions, not always straightforward to make. For they are impactful decisions, not just for me but also for my husband, children, and family. From its effect on my self-image to my sex life, potential traumas for my children, employability, and my long-term survival perspective. It affects my quality of life.

    On my way to the hospital for a second consultation with the plastic surgeon | Jan 2024

    So, for me, the initial step was a no-brainer: a double mastectomy. But then came the questions. With each question, there was a sounding board, but it started with myself: did I want reconstruction or not? Then with the doctors (oncologist, surgeon): when was the best time for my body? Then the (plastic) surgeon, but also online, via specialized platforms and organisations: which reconstruction method was suitable? For me, the decision aid website from patient+ was valuable in preparing for discussions with the doctors because it enabled me to obtain more targeted information and ask questions. That made my choice much easier. Ultimately, I opted for lipofilling. A prolonged, impactful journey, but personally the best choice for me. This choice varies for everyone.

    On my way to another hospital for the mastectomy – 25 Maart 2024

    Impact

    As I write these lines, I sit on the couch, recovering from the operation. My breasts are no more. Thus far, no sorrow or pain. I’ve inspected the wounds and hollows, it was a bit shocking, I won’t lie. Yes, my breasts are gone, but so is the risk of cancer developing there. I can focus on the “ovarian front.” That provides relief, literally and figuratively.

    Though the decision for a mastectomy was straightforward for me, the impact of the mastectomy and its reconstruction journey is complex. Especially with recovery and reconstruction ahead. What does it do to the mind, energy, body, and surroundings? Therefore, this month, I’ll write about the impact of my mastectomy, from body to mind.