Browsing category: English

  • 14 oktober 2024

    The lady of the Mayan ‘Cenote’: Healing simplicity

    THAT SUNNY DAY OF LAST AUGUST WE WERE FINALLY GOING TO FULFIL A DREAM THAT HAD KEPT US GOING DURING THE TIME I RECEIVED CHEMO: VISITING THE CENOTES OF YUCATÁN. WE HAD PLANNED A ROUTE THROUGH SEVERAL LARGE, OPEN, AND BEAUTIFUL CENOTES OF CHICXULUB’S ‘RING OF CENOTES’, EACH ONE MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN THE LAST. HOWEVER, THE DAY LED US DOWN A DIFFERENT PATH TO BEGIN OUR JOURNEY. AFTER PASSING THROUGH SEVERAL MAYAN VILLAGES AND VENTURING ALONG DUSTY TRACKS, WE ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED UPON A DIFFERENT CENOTE, HIDDEN UNDERGROUND, SMALL AND SIMPLE.

    There, I met “La Doña del Cenote” and her husband. The humble guardians of that place, which you could tell they regarded as sacred. Both were tiny and seemed a bit fragile, their skin weathered by the sun, with the characteristic features of the Mayan people. They greeted us with warm smiles, as if we were friends in everyday life. Everything, from the cenote to their presence, seemed modest. I admit, I was a bit disenchanted at that moment. I had no idea that this woman was about to give me an unforgettable experience.

    In the heart of the cenote

    Before allowing us to enter, La Doña asked us to shower, to safeguard and respect the purity of the cenote’s waters. Then, with an unexpected agility for her age, she led us through a small opening into the heart of the cenote. What happened next was even more unexpected for me.

    La Doña looked at me directly, with a confidence that felt like she knew me. As if she knew everything about me, as if she even had known I would arrive on that very day. She spoke to me in a voice reminiscent of a healer, and said:

    “Child, enter the water, let it embrace you. This is Mother Earth. Here, you are in her womb, as if you’ve returned to your mother’s belly. Stay here in peace. God brought you to this place, guided your path. This is where you are supposed to be now, stay as long as you need.”

    As those words echoed within me, she left me alone, immersed in the peace of the cenote. It was then that I felt something break inside me—but not in a bad way. It was as if a barrier had dissolved, and suddenly, the tears began to flow. Tears that I hadn’t expected, but that released a trapped energy. Like a waterfall breaking through a dam. My sobs mingled with the tranquility of the water. And so I felt invaded by a deep sense of peace. It was as if the cenote, and La Doña through it, had facilitated a healing I didn’t even know I needed.

    At the heart of the cenote

    Healing simplicity, natural energy, vital force

    When I emerged, she and her husband were quietly relaxing in their hammock, observing the surrounding nature. They had set up a small table and chairs for us to enjoy our lunch. They smiled at us humbly, as if nothing extraordinary had just happened.

    Yet, for me, La Doña had been much more than a simple guardian of the cenote. She had given me a profoundly healing experience. It may sound incredible, I know that. But I don’t care for an explanation; I’m not here to dissect everything with the scalpel of logic. All I know is that she handles life’s vital energy with a masterful simplicity. Connected to nature, she was able to connect my own energy to the vital force of that hidden place. Her simple, unpretentious wisdom reminded me that life force can be found in the most modest corners and in the humblest of people. That tiny old woman proved that the simplest in life can sometimes be the most extraordinary.

    Have you ever experienced something you can’t explain?
    Share your thoughts in the comments.

    Do you not recognize this Life Force in your own story, or do you feel like you have lost yours?

    Tell me. I am a message away.

    Life Force Stories | Part 4

    Credits: Pictures from my own files | Illustration ‘La Doña del Cenote’ generated with AI, based on my own pictures.

  • 27 september 2024

    Ambar Adela: The power of the heart

    IT’S A WARM DAY IN AUGUST. LUNA AND I ARE WALKING THROUGH THE MAZE OF THE SANTO DOMINGO ARTISAN MARKET. A BIT DIZZY FROM THE HEAT AND THE COLORS (AND ME FROM ANEMIA), WE STOP TO LOOK AT SOME QUARTZ BRACELETS AT ONE OF THE COLOR-PACKED STALLS. THE BRACELET I WANT TO BUY FOR LUNA IS A BIT TOO BIG. “IF SHE LIKES IT, I CAN ADJUST IT TO HER SIZE,” SAYS A SOFT VOICE. FIVE SECONDS LATER, I’M STANDING IN FRONT OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH INDIGENOUS FEATURES, HER FACE PERFECTLY MADE UP AND A BIG SMILE WITH DIMPLES. HER NAME IS ADELA, THE OWNER OF THE STALL, WITH HER OWN JEWELRY BRAND, “ÁMBAR ADELA.” HER VOICE IS OFTEN INTERRUPTED BY A CONTAGIOUS LAUGH. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN SHE SEES MY SURPRISE AS SHE EXPLAINS THAT SHE ALSO DESIGNS THE EMBROIDERED CLOTHING SHE SELLS. AT THAT MOMENT, I TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THE MERCHANDISE AROUND ME: EMBROIDERED CLOTHING, SILVER JEWELRY, AND SEMI-PRECIOUS STONES, ALONG WITH AMBER PIECES. “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HOW DO YOU FIND THE TIME?” I ASK, AMAZED. – SHE LAUGHS AGAIN. – “WHY WOULDN’T YOU BELIEVE ME? WHEN YOU DO THINGS WITH LOVE, IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW SMALL THEY ARE. THEY ALWAYS TURN OUT WELL. STEP BY STEP.” AND THAT’S HOW WE BEGIN A CONVERSATION THAT FILLS ME WITH ADMIRATION.

    Adela’s story

    Adela comes from the Tzotzil community in a nearby village. Her mother taught her to embroider when she was a child. She married very young and had three daughters, who are now young adults. When she tells me her age (she’s only six years younger than me, though she looks at least ten years younger), I almost fall over.

    “What?! Forty-seven years old?! I don’t believe it,” I exclaim.

    Her laughter jingles again.
    “You don’t believe anything I say!” But when your spirit is well, and you do things with love, your body reflects that.”

    She tells me that she divorced her daughters’ father long ago. It must have been a difficult time, but I see no trace of bitterness or resentment on her face. Instead, there’s a serene joy.

    “Look at me. I live better this way. Things have gone well for me,” she says, the dimples in her smile reappearing. “I got divorced because I couldn’t rely on him anyway. Once I became independent, I had to decide how to move forward and support my daughters and myself.”

    “When your spirit is well, and you do things with love, your body reflects that”

    Adela Gómez

    From embroidery to beads

    That’s when I remembered my mother’s embroidery. I started by embroidering blouses to sell at the market, with things I love: flowers, fruits, and birds. My style of embroidery sold well. So, I began to embroider other garments, not just traditional ones, but also jeans, jackets, blazers—everything. One thing worth the mention: I only made things I enjoyed creating.

    I’ve always liked accessories, so when I could save a bit of money, I bought some beads and stones and started making small bracelets, earrings, little things. Those sold well, too. Over the years, my stall grew, and I was able to get a small shop here in Santo Domingo. My daughters also grew up; they had their own responsibilities by then. But between them, they helped me formalize my designs into a brand, “Ámbar Adela.” They created the labels for several lines, and well… here we are,” she finishes with a smile.

    Silver and amber
    Amber and Jade
    Embroidery and amber

    Life Force

    I listen in admiration, especially because I know firsthand how hard it is to build a jewelry brand—it’s no easy task. I tell her that years ago, I had my own brand, “Luna de Plata,” and that I gave it up when it was almost fully formed.

    “Why?” she asks.

    With some embarrassment, I admit,
    “Lack of experience, but mostly fear. Fear of failing.”

    Seeing Adela standing there so calm and full of confidence, surrounded by her creations, I rush to tell her that only now, years later, I understand that I can do whatever I set my mind to. That only now do I feel the confidence to face my fears head-on. I tell her I’m surviving cancer and that I’m filled with plans that feel very real to me: this trip through Mexico, my therapy practice, my communication work to support other cancer patients, and the psychology studies I will begin this year.

    She says, “Everything will work out for you, I know it. The things done with love, with motivation, step by step, always turn out well. Because that’s how God works.”

    And the way she says it, I feel a deep certainty in every word. My body vibrates with serene clarity, and in that moment, I understand that she is driven by the Life Force.


    Adela and her unbreakable spirit

    Adela shows that Life Force is not just about carrying on when everything is against you. It’s about finding joy in the small things, feeling love in everything you do. It’s knowing that no matter what happens, you always have the strength within you to start again.

    Her story is not just one of courage but a tribute to the strength of the heart. And so, she continues, with a smile and unstoppable energy, her hands never ceasing to create, her heart always open to her family and her customers. She is living proof of the power of the heart, of love for family, and of the unbreakable spirit of a woman determined to love life no matter what.

    How many times have you had to start again? Which are the little things that bring you joy?
    Share your thoughts in the comments.

    Do you not recognize this Life Force in your own story, or do you feel like you have lost yours?

    Let me know, I am a message away

    Life Force Stories | Part 2

    Credits: Pictures from Adela Gómez Facebook page | Picture ‘Santo Domingo Market’ generated with AI, based on my own original photo’s.

  • 16 september 2024

    Omar Fabián: A heart driven by creativity and legacy

    THE DAY I MET OMAR, I HARDLY KNEW HIM YET. IT WAS PURE CHANCE THAT MY GAZE FELL ON HIS WORKSHOP JUST AS I HAD DECIDED I HAD SEEN ENOUGH BLACK CLAY WORKSHOPS AND CRAFTS. I ADMIT I WAS ALSO FEELING WEAK DUE TO THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE CANCER TREATMENT, SO I WAS SAD TO GIVE UP THE VISIT. BUT THAT HOUSE ON THE CORNER, COMPLETELY PAINTED BLACK, PIQUED MY CURIOSITY. HOW HAD I NOT NOTICED IT BEFORE? SO I DECIDED TO GO IN. THAT VISIT, FUELLED BY CURIOSITY, OPENED MY EYES AND MIND: I MET SOMEONE WHO SEES EVERYTHING WITH A FRESH PERSPECTIVE. DRIVEN BY LOVE FOR HIS WORK AND NEW IDEAS, OMAR ELEVATES HIS ANCESTRAL LEGACY TO THE LEVEL OF ART.

    Omar’s Story

    It was midday in San Bartolo Coyotepec, the town was beaten by the blazing sun and dust. My friend Tania, Fer and I had already toured several workshops with the typical black clay crafts from Oaxaca. I was feeling weak due to my extreme anemia and it was hard for me to admit I had to give up the visit to go eat and rest. I told myself “whatever, I had anyway seen enough workshops and black clay for today”… Just as we were about to grab some lunch before heading out, I noticed a house entirely painted black on the opposite corner. Clearly, it was a workshop we hadn’t seen before. 

    As soon as we entered, it felt like rediscovering black clay. The designs were a reinvention; everything was special. “You agree this isn’t typical; this is design,” Tania said to me. The further we went in, the more we were impressed: the shapes were bolder, the sizes bigger, the designs more creative. Even the way the clay was used was different: I saw it on walls, floors, paintings and even urns.

    At that moment, a young man hurried past; it was Omar Fabián, one of the three brothers who own the workshop and the author of these innovative pieces.

    My curiosity was fully awake, so I asked him a question that sparked an inspiring conversation:  

    “In all the years I’ve been buying black clay, I’ve never seen it applied like this. Are these your ideas?”  

    At first, he was very polite but seemed not particularly interested. “Thanks,” he responded, somewhat surprised, “yes, these are my designs.”  

    “This goes beyond tradition. What has brought you to this point?”

    I realised I had now caught his attention, perhaps because he sensed that my interest was genuine. That’s when the conversation began. He spoke of his family legacy, with over three generations of black clay artisans. He also mentioned his design studies at the University of Oaxaca. How he had combined his heritage, knowledge, and curiosity to challenge the limits of what was “possible.” While respecting the teachings of past generations, he improved the quality of the finishes and applied his design knowledge to create new forms. He experimented with new techniques, formats, and applications.

    Crafting Walls
    Omar’s Workshop

    Bringing Ideas to Life

    In this way, he contributed to the development of the family workshop. As he grew as an artisan, so did the projects he took on. “I started accepting commissions from hotels, restaurants, and museums. They would ask me, for example, to create a mural installation of giant ants, a large niche decorated with butterflies in flight, or a hotel bar with geometric ‘tiles’.” The challenge wasn’t just the visual design. How do you bring those ideas to life? Black clay is fragile, but delicate shapes must withstand installation, transport, and temperature changes. Those new requirements led me to experiment with novel techniques and approaches.”

    Butterflies with Led
    Wall tiles
    Ants installation

    Exploring Limits 

    I couldn’t help but see a parallel with the ups and downs of life in the face of adversity, something I’ve personally experienced since my cancer diagnosis. Suddenly, you find yourself in an unexpected situation that forces you to develop new skills. And to do so, you must draw on both what you’ve been taught and what you’ve learned yourself.

    “Not everything can turn out perfect. Do it again, try again, until it works.” Omar Fabián

    Omar also faces moments of difficulty, which generate uncertainty. Yet there’s an inner drive in him, a confidence in the future. Perhaps it’s the belief in his ability to navigate uncertainty and find solutions, to generate new ideas. His love for the craft he inherited and his creativity are his strength, though he may not say it explicitly, it’s clear to see.

    Butterflies niche
    Tzompantli Skulls in Black Clay and Silver

    Over some water and mezcal, Omar and I shared experiences and came to the conclusion that this is how we’ll continue. Facing fear, with confidence. You might feel sad or tired at times, but deep down, you’re not afraid. You know the solution will come, and you trust the force that moves you.

    Life Force isn’t something grand, as my conversation with Omar reminded me. It manifests itself in simple ways, like knowing how to see the world with a fresh pair of eyes. Just like children do. Now I understand that, on that day, Omar recognised in my curiosity the same curiosity that drives him in everything he does.

    Now tell me, what helps you navigate uncertainty? Do you recognize creative force in your life? Share your thoughts in the comments.

    Do you not recognize this Life Force in your own story, or do you feel like you have lost yours?

    Let me know, I am a message away

    Life Force Stories | Part 1

    credits – pictures Barro negro @omarsutra | Picture Omar and Alba from my personal files

  • 13 september 2024

    Life Force: connected stories

    THERE’S A THREAD THAT RUNS THROUGH ALL OF US—A VITAL FORCE, UNSEEN YET DEEPLY FELT. I CALL IT LIFE FORCE. IT’S THE ENERGY THAT PUSHES US TO RISE AFTER WE’VE FALLEN, TO CREATE BEAUTY FROM PAIN, AND TO FACE EACH NEW DAY WITH PURPOSE, NO MATTER THE CHALLENGES. LIFE FORCE HAS ALWAYS BEEN CENTRAL TO MY JOURNEY AS A THERAPIST, AND AS A CANCER SURVIVOR, IT HAS BECOME MY COMPASS THROUGH BOTH DARK AND LIGHT.

    The connecting journey

    During my journey through México last summer, I met many different people. I enjoyed every conversation with them, but some stayed with me. The energy of these people struck me in the most positive way. We connected on an energetic level. I noticed that they are driven by this universal force that I call Life Force. It may sound vague, but for me, it couldn’t be more concrete—both in my journey through cancer treatment and in my work as a therapist. I see it every day. Travelling through México, I was thrilled to recognize it in other people’s lives too. It’s this driving energy, this connection, that I find so awe-inspiring. And it’s what motivates me to share their stories with you.

    The Stories

    So, back home, I began writing. These are not success stories. They are everyday life stories of people like you and me. Let me introduce you to these men and women. On the surface, they seem completely different from one another. They come from different places, social statuses, genders, professions, and experiences. Some have dealt with illness or loss, while others have faced challenges in their careers, relationships, or personal growth. Others simply lead peaceful lives. Yet, they all have one powerful thing in common: Life Force. That’s the thread that runs through their stories.

    Through these stories, you’ll see how this invisible energy manifests in different ways. It’s in the mother who built a business after a divorce, the artist who finds new meaning in his family legacy, and the survivor who, against all odds, chooses to love life over fear. These stories are not just tales of survival but of living—with passion, purpose, and heart.

    Why Now?

    Sharing these stories is part of my mission to celebrate and ignite the Life Force within us all. Whether you’re navigating a tough time or looking for inspiration, I hope these stories will resonate deeply with you. Because I believe, at the core, we all have Life Force within us—it’s just waiting to be harnessed.

    Welcome to the Life Force series. Let’s embark on this journey together, step by step, story by story.

    Check out the Life Force Stories:
    Ambar Adela: The power of the heart
    Omar Fabián: A heart driven by creativity and legacy
    Jorge the Shadow Seller: The search for what truly matters

    Share what Life Force means to you in the comments. Do you not recognize it, or feel that you have lost yours? Let me know, I am a message away!

  • 9 juni 2024

    The landscaping solace

    I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND PEACE IN NATURE, A KIND OF INTRINSIC PEACE. LANDSCAPES, WITH THEIR DIVERSITY AND INFINITE BEAUTY, ARE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF THE CIRCLE OF LIFE AND OUR PLACE IN IT.

    Walking among the trees, listening to the whispers of a river, or simply gazing at a mountain in the distance, restores me to a state of serenity that is difficult to find in the rush of everyday life. Full moon, rising sun, deep blue of the evening, golden light of the morning, leaden grey of winter, ochres of autumn, the wind on my face, warmth on my skin, explosion of colour before my eyes… It’s as if nature whispers ancient secrets to me, stories of past and future times, renewing the connection with my own energy and spirit.

    Sometimes, when I feel the stress and worries arise, I seek some solace in the landscape. This is where I find my centre, where things make sense again and where my heart fills with gratitude and wonder. It’s as if the landscape reminds me of my origins.

    I want to share with you some of those special moments I have captured during my walks and travels. Far and near, sometimes all it took was a glance out of the window. These photos are not just beautiful images; they are landscapes that have given me strength, that have allowed me to reconnect with myself and remember what truly matters.

    I hope that, as you look at your own landscapes, you can find your centre too. I hope that these images serve as a reminder that there is always a natural refuge waiting for us, ready to give us a respite and renew our “Life Force”.

    The Landscaping Solace is one of my compilation of Life Force Tools, practical strategies to build resilience in adversity.

  • 1 juni 2024

    Is cancer making me antisocial?!

    A FEW DAYS BEFORE MY OPERATION, I CALL SOME FRIENDS WHO WANT TO SEE ME BEFORE THE PROCEDURE. PERFECT, I WANTED TO HAVE A FEW DRINKS WITH MY HUSBAND ON FRIDAY AFTERNOON ANYWAY, SO THEY CAN JOIN US. BUT THE TIME DOESN’T SUIT MY FRIEND AMALIA, SO SHE WILL COME ANOTHER TIME. I FEEL A BIT ANNOYED… BUT ALSO RELIEVED. AND I RECOGNISE THAT THIS HAPPENS TO ME MORE OFTEN IN MY SOCIAL CONTACTS SINCE I GOT CANCER. WHY? AM I BECOMING UNAPPROACHABLE? | ARTICLE ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR THE DUTCH PLATFORM “SHIT OR SHINE”

    Unapproachable, or not?

    It’s three o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon. I just got a call from the hospital to inform me that my operation is scheduled for next Monday morning. Finally! I have been waiting for this. I’m not nervous, but I do want to reserve an afternoon to spend with my husband before the rollercoaster begins. A Friday afternoon with snacks and wine. My friends Sarah and Amalia want to join, so they said. But Amalia has an appointment with her personal trainer that she can’t re-schedule or skip. She asks if she can come later in the evening. For me, that would be a bit late, and I tell her so. Then she wants to come over the weekend, but I want to reserve those days for my family. I feel a hint of irritation. So, feeling somewhat apologetic and somewhat irritated, I tell her: “Don’t feel obligated, there will be another time.” In part, I also feel relieved. I notice that I feel more and more distanced from her. Why is that?

    Since I got cancer, I more frequently recognise these feelings in my social interactions. Not only with friends but also with casual acquaintances. For example, someone sent me a message a week after my first chemotherapy, inviting me to go for a walk. This is someone from town who normally just waves at me when we bump into each other. I didn’t even know this person had my phone number; let alone how they got it. In this case too, I felt uncomfortable and somewhat apologetic, but honestly, I had no desire to go at all.

    In moments like these, I think: “Is cancer making me unapproachable?” Why?

    But it’s not always like this. Take this example: I went to the hospital for a CT scan, a few weeks after my mastectomy. The radiologist says to me: “Take off your bra.” I smile and look at her, and I say: “I’m not wearing a bra.” We look into each other’s eyes, and I continue: “I don’t have breasts.” I see the shock in her eyes as she realises, but we hold each other’s gaze and… burst out laughing. Then she asks me a few questions: she wants to know how I’m doing and how I find the whole process. The CT scan proceeds, and the interaction lasts no more than 10 minutes from start to finish, but I leave with a huge smile.

    So, what’s going on? Why do I let some people get closer and not others?

    There is always a good intention behind it

    Let’s start with these principles: people act with good intentions. And I know it’s difficult for those around me to know what’s right. They are walking on eggshells.

    So, if I know this, why do I still find ‘noise’ in some of my interactions? Have I always been like this? … There was a time of parties, reunions until the early hours, dancing until our feet hurt. That’s true. What is also true is that I have always preferred deep bonds, even if that means fewer friendships. At the same time, I’ve always enjoyed striking up a conversation with a stranger on the street, that’s also true. But not with everyone.

    Dancing till the feet hurt

    Connections in ‘high contrast’

    This is because I have always had the need to truly connect with the people around me. That’s how I engage, and I kind of expect the same coming from my contacts. Since I got cancer, it seems like I see everything through a high-contrast filter. Specifically: I have become more sensitive to the absence of connection. At the same time, I need this true connection even more. Authenticity has become more important to me.

    This applies to my friendships as well as to contact with acquaintances, and also with people on the street. The most important thing is that it feels authentic, sincere. Not all friends want to drop or change their things to accommodate my schedule. And really that’s fine, as long as the contact is sincere and not pretentious. Personally, I prefer a greeting with a broad smile from someone who sees me passing by on the street, rather than forcibly trying to ‘do something big and noble’, which our relationship was never based on. It doesn’t fit, it feels forced and uncomfortable. Despite the undoubtedly good intention. It seems less authentic to me.

    What to do? Some tips

    So, for me, less is more. I have become a tad more selective. Is this the perfect solution? No, there is a clear downside: this could lead me to isolation, of course. Even so, it is a conscious choice. I feel this is best for me. Does this apply to all people with cancer? Of course not, everyone has their own way and their own needs regarding their social contacts. And what works for me may not work for someone else. However, there are some tips I’d like to give:

    For the environment, those walking on eggshells

    1. Ask the person (find a suitable time and manner) what they need and what’s comfortable. Do it sincerely; they can feel that and is more likely to get you an equally sincere response and less awkwardness.
    2. Listen. Really listen, respect wishes and boundaries. It’s not about satisfying your own need to ‘do good’, but about what the person needs, can, and wants to receive from you.
    3. Be consistent. If you want to stay close to the person, stay close. If, on the contrary, your priorities honestly don’t allow you to maintain contact, that’s also fine, but don’t expect or force closeness.
    4. Offer practical help, such as cooking or doing some groceries. Here too applies, what is appropriate and sincere. For example, if the person is a mum of another child at school, offer to pick up the children after school.

    For those going through something similar to my experience

    1. Keep in mind that people act with good intentions. They do so with goodwill, and it’s very difficult for them to estimate what’s right for you.
    2. Be honest, especially with yourself. Answer sincerely and be clear about your needs, wishes, and boundaries.
    3. Be mild. With yourself and with others, perfection doesn’t exist.

    Ultimately, it’s about supporting each other in ways that really help. And that can be achieved by truly connecting with each other. Acknowledging the space availabe, without forcing things. A small and sincere gesture can be the seed of a great friendship.

  • 25 mei 2024

    Appearance

    YOU ARE IN THE PRIME OF LIFE AS A WOMAN, MOTHER, PERSON. BUT THEN YOU’RE CONFRONTED WITH YOUR OWN DEATH SENTENCE. ALL MATERIAL THINGS BECOME OF SECONDARY IMPORTANCE, OR COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. AND IF YOU GET THE CHANCE FOR (LONGER) LIFE WITH QUALITY, YOU GRAB THAT CHANCE WITH BOTH HANDS. YOU ENTER A NEW PHASE. YOU COME OUT CHANGED, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT. SO NOW, IS APPEARANCE STILL IMPORTANT? HOW IMPORTANT? YOU NOTICE THAT THERE ARE TWO ANSWERS, SOMETIMES CONTRADICTORY, YET EXISTING SIDE BY SIDE. THIS IS HOW MY APPEARANCE HAS CHANGED DUE TO CANCER, AND WHAT IT DOES TO ME.

    LEES HIER DE NL VERSIE

    Magic mirror on the wall…

    Six rounds of chemo, a major abdominal surgery (debulking and HIPEC), targeted therapy to deactivate the remaining dormant cancer cells, both breasts amputated. I am still here.

    I stand in front of the mirror; I look at myself with eyes wide open. And this is what I see, hear, think…

    My hand looks like a glove! No ring fitsWow! I can still thread a needle and draw in detail at 48
    Gee, what stupid curls, I can’t do anything with them 🤯Curls are fun with a headband! New summer hairstyle 🌞
    My hair grows so slooooowly.Nice to have plenty of hair back.
    Pfff, what wrinkles, it’s happening so fast with menopauseI love my tanned skin, looking summery all year round
    Crooked chemo toenails 😟I put on a pair of nice heels, and off I go! I can dance again 💃
    I’ve got hobbit feet!!!Lovely long walks through the countryside.
    Flat chest and short hair, I look like a man!A flat chest actually suits me, I have a sleeker silhouette in my fitted tops.
    Dents and scars instead of breastsA new beginning, I’m curious how my new breasts will turn out
    Gosh, no breasts is really flatNice to wear a strapless top, it fits!!
    My front looks like a battlefield!Well, it’s cancer-free.
    A scar from my chest to my lower abdomen, and it’s crooked too…A perfect place for a Tree of Life tattoo, as a symbol
    Big scars and disfigurementLooks tough… I’m a badass! 😎
    Pff, I look like an old womanWhat a badass woman
    Goodness, how will I ever feel sexy again???Hmmm, who knows how it’ll be with new breasts and cool tattoos… 👯‍♀️

    See? Two thoughts at the same time, two answers at the same time. A bit hysterical perhaps, and all true. No side is heavier, both are very real to me.

    Is appearance important or a superficial matter?

    So, let me put it this way: If you were to give me a contract now guaranteeing that the cancer is gone and stays away; but on the condition that I remain bald, flat, and deeply scarred for the rest of my life, I’d sign immediately. Without a doubt. So yes, how important is appearance?

    Well, not more important than my life, and yet more important than I initially thought. Cancer, living with cancer, living after cancer is a metamorphosis. Appearance is part of my identity, of my self-perception. That has changed and will continue to change.

    I watch with curiosity. Sometimes I feel a tear streaming down my face, and sometimes I am surprised by something cute that I discover. I think it’s part of the process of acceptance and rebuilding. At least, it is for me.

    I remain curious, but above all filled with marveling for my body, its strength, its capacity to transform. As if the universe resides within it.

    Deze afbeelding heeft een leeg alt-attribuut; de bestandsnaam is Erfelijkheid-bewustwording.jpeg
  • 18 april 2024

    The metamorphosis of the body

    MASTECTOMY: TODAY, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE BODY, BUT IN A DIFFERENT, ALMOST METAPHORICAL WAY. THE WORDS ORIGINALLY FLOWED IN MY NATIVE LANGUAGE, PERHAPS BECAUSE IT IS SO INTIMATE. I MADE THIS VERSION IN ENGLISH TO SHARE WITH MORE PEOPLE THAT MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE.

    Lee la version original en español

    Origin – the internal explosion

    The change began within, with an explosion of some restless cells, scared to death by who knows what cruel stress – and the inherited predisposition towards acceleration. Chaotic growth unleashed within me. Speed. Cells in panic.

    I talked to them to calm them down. My friends’ thoughts arrived from every corner of the world. Medications and therapies arrived. Precise scalpels. The cancer was removed. Prognoses consider its possible return, either in the long or short term. I face it. I hope it doesn’t come back. May my body remain vigilant, yes, but strong and clean, following its natural rhythm, free from alarms.

    Evolution – the external transformation

    My body has evolved: first from within – with the removal of my uterus and ovaries – leaving behind a scar from my heart to my belly as a witness. Now, the mountains of my breasts have been flattened, leaving traces of the scalpel and a void on each side of my chest. Still fresh.

    “It takes guts to witness my own transformation with eyes wide open.”

    The definition of the body

    My shapes have changed. My body is imprecise, not fully defined yet. And, I confess, it takes guts to witness my own transformation with eyes wide open. And love for this body; to continue finding the pretty stuff, the good stuff, the strong stuff.

    So it may find its new shapes: with feet firmly planted in life. A light heart. And a head full of the universe.

    This was the third post in a series on the impact of my mastectomy on me, from body to mind. I write one post every week while recovering from the procedure.

    Read the second post here

  • 5 april 2024

    Attention: The difference between suffering and thriving

    IN THIS UPDATE, I WANT TO DELVE INTO THE IMPACT OF ATTENTION IN MEDICAL CARE ON MY HOW I EXPERIENCED THE SURGERY | ON 25TH MARCH, I UNDERWENT A PREVENTATIVE MASTECTOMY. BECAUSE THIS PROCEDURE HAS A COMPLEX IMPACT ON BOTH THE MIND AND THE BODY, I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THE VARIOUS ASPECTS OF IT IN MY BLOG THIS MONTH.

    LEES HIER DE NL VERSIE

    The personal experience

    We often hear that attention and connection in medical care can be invaluable, but it remains abstract. Now, I’ve personally experienced this. And it wasn’t a small matter, as I was going to have my breasts removed.

    Completely my own choice, yes. So off I went to the hospital. With complete conviction… though I still felt a slight tension. Because, well, it’s still your breasts that you’re having removed…

    Hospital or spa?

    Hospital, or not?

    Upon arrival, I didn’t think for a moment about being in a hospital. I swear, I’m not advertising. But honestly, it felt more like a spa or hotel. Everything contributed to the experience: the wooded surroundings, the beautifully decorated interior, soothing. Everywhere there were light and cozy sitting areas, small details specially made by volunteers for fellow patients. On my bed lay a welcome package with lovely items, alongside a warm bathrobe. The interaction with the staff was genuinely friendly. I believe they were consciously trained and selected to provide good attention and pleasant interaction. People took their time. They even took time for a chat and didn’t seem rushed. They truly looked at me.

    Surgery and post-surgery

    Sunbeams

    The surgery itself was 100% fine with me. From preparation to waking up, everything went smoothly. I felt safe. After the surgery, I woke up feeling fine. Still a bit groggy from the anesthesia, but happy. I chatted and joked with the nursing staff, who thankfully also laughed with me (hopefully not just at me, haha).

    Once back in my room, I felt I had space, not only to recover but even to enjoy. From the tranquility, the relief, the view, and the sunbeams shining through my window. And boy, was I hungry! But they took care of that too.

    Making a difference

    Nurse took this pic of me in the recovery, so the kids could see how “I was kicking ass” as she said

    This experience is certainly very special. But why? What makes it special? Every hospital wants to heal, care for, or alleviate your suffering. Every hospital has the knowledge and the desire to help the patient. What’s the difference? I even asked if it was a private clinic. It wasn’t, it was “just” a small hospital. So, what is the difference then?

    The answer is abstract: it’s the attention. From environment, to interaction, to care. There was thought put into making it pleasant, comfortable. They took their time. So, what is the value of attention in medical care? FUNDAMENTAL. Though not scientifically measurable, the effect on my body and experience is very concrete, tangible, and visible. It’s not just helpful, but decisive. It makes the difference between suffering and thriving.

    This was the second post in a series on the impact of my mastectomy on me, from body to mind. I write one post every week while recovering from the procedure.

    READ THE FIRST POST HERE

  • 27 maart 2024

    Mastectomy: My inheritance, my choices

    FROM MY MATERNAL LINE, I’VE INHERITED MANY POSITIVE TRAITS SUCH AS INTUITION AND STRENGTH, BUT A GENETIC PREDISPOSITION TO CANCER ISN’T ONE OF THE POSITIVES. SINCE LEARNING THIS, I’VE MADE MY DECISION: AFTER THE REMOVAL OF MY OVARIES AND UTERUS LAST YEAR, I OPTED FOR A PREVENTATIVE MASTECTOMY. IT’S DONE NOW: MY BREASTS HAVE BEEN REMOVED.

    LEES hier de NL versie

    Maternal line

    We have a strong maternal lineage in my family, almost akin to a matriarchy. I was raised by formidable women, imbued with strength, sensitivity, intuition, and autonomy. It’s ingrained in my blood, in my DNA, and I carry it with pride. However, I’m also a carrier of the BRCA2 mutation, which elevates my risk for gynaecological cancers. That, too, is part of my genetic inheritance. I lost my mother to the ravages of advanced breast cancer. Her final weeks were a trial, and I bore witness to it.

    From Ovaries to Breasts

    The genetic predisposition first struck my ovaries like a hammer blow last year. But it could also affect my breasts, with an increased risk of 80%. Hence, a plan was formulated: initially focusing on my ovaries, uterus, and abdominal metastases, treated with chemotherapy, debulking, and HIPEC. The second phase targeted my breasts: a preventative mastectomy. It might sound like a straightforward plan, but the experience was naturally different.

    Making choices

    It’s a time of significant decisions, not always straightforward to make. For they are impactful decisions, not just for me but also for my husband, children, and family. From its effect on my self-image to my sex life, potential traumas for my children, employability, and my long-term survival perspective. It affects my quality of life.

    On my way to the hospital for a second consultation with the plastic surgeon | Jan 2024

    So, for me, the initial step was a no-brainer: a double mastectomy. But then came the questions. With each question, there was a sounding board, but it started with myself: did I want reconstruction or not? Then with the doctors (oncologist, surgeon): when was the best time for my body? Then the (plastic) surgeon, but also online, via specialized platforms and organisations: which reconstruction method was suitable? For me, the decision aid website from patient+ was valuable in preparing for discussions with the doctors because it enabled me to obtain more targeted information and ask questions. That made my choice much easier. Ultimately, I opted for lipofilling. A prolonged, impactful journey, but personally the best choice for me. This choice varies for everyone.

    On my way to another hospital for the mastectomy – 25 Maart 2024

    Impact

    As I write these lines, I sit on the couch, recovering from the operation. My breasts are no more. Thus far, no sorrow or pain. I’ve inspected the wounds and hollows, it was a bit shocking, I won’t lie. Yes, my breasts are gone, but so is the risk of cancer developing there. I can focus on the “ovarian front.” That provides relief, literally and figuratively.

    Though the decision for a mastectomy was straightforward for me, the impact of the mastectomy and its reconstruction journey is complex. Especially with recovery and reconstruction ahead. What does it do to the mind, energy, body, and surroundings? Therefore, this month, I’ll write about the impact of my mastectomy, from body to mind.

    • Previous